Flirting? Holy. No!

7:53 AM Edit This 9 Comments »
I had my first "flirting" lesson on Tuesday night. And after fifty billionty times of me saying, "Are you kidding me?" and "People really DO that kind of thing?" he quietly says to me, "Kate? You can either accept that people do it and learn to play the game or you can continue to do what you're doing now and miss out on meeting some really cool people." To which I dropped my suddenly tearful eyes and any sort of bravado I was clinging to and said, "I know. I'm just trying to wrap my head around what I've been completely oblivious to all these years." I had NO IDEA that people have this thing called "game." And that they're incredibly saavy about playing it. That people take CLASSES in how to pick up women - and pay alot of money to do so. There's these things called "openers" and "threads" and hand gestures that supposedly hypnotize you in some way. Good God. Perhaps it's better that I just not know? Maybe I should crawl back under my rock and just say thankyouverymuchfortheinformationnowpleasegoaway. But I won't. Because I'm convinced there is a lesson here that's larger than flirting and dating.

What it ultimately boiled down to is what I think about myself. And that's where I got stuck with an assignment. I'm supposed to ask my closest friends to name the three things they appreciate the most about me, write them down and then start believing that those things give me worth and that they are worth giving to the world at large. It's the difference between believing I'm a "2" and a "10." And then projecting that number to the people around me. And I get that. My inner monolgue does not tell me on a regular basis that I'm worth knowing. And that's something that I work on all the time. This is not news. To me, that's the keystone of my recovery. And this assignment is nothing more than a repeat of the things I've been learning all along. Okay.

He also asked me how I feel when I'm sitting alone. Duh. That's something I think about all the time. I've often felt that when I sit somewhere alone, I am surrounded by hazard signs that say, "DO NOT TALK TO ME. DO NOT TOUCH ME. I WILL DECIMATE YOU WITH MY EYES SHOULD YOU EVEN ATTEMPT TO APPROACH." And those signs were erected long ago to protect me when I was indeed, way too vulnerable for any sort of casual interaction, but it's hard work tearing those stupid signs down. Because even though I don't want them up anymore, they're easy to hide behind. And sometimes I don't even know I'm hiding behind them anymore. So occasionally, I peek out from under cover and sometimes I bravely jump out from behind them and declare that YES! I AM WOMAN! HERE I AM!

There's always work to do. Hrmph. Work. Work. Work. This living thing is exhausting. So, you have an assignment. GO.


Lemmonex said...

Practice, practice my dear. You will get better.

Sue Ellen Mishkey said...

I realise that I am not a close friend, or even a close internet friend, but what I am able to discern from your blog is that you are:
1. Smart.(Probably one of the most important qualities to have.)
2. Have a good heart. (That runs neck and neck with smarts.)
3. Are cute as a button. (Who doesn't like cute? I mean, really?)

The end.

Anonymous said...

Do you really want to be with somebody who considers the whole thing just a game? Isn't it a little bit dehumanizing to be thought of that way?

Learning how to "play the game" is great if your goal is to get laid, but if you want more than that, then learn just enough about the game so that you can avoid being played.

Admittedly, I've been out of the flirting game for a long time, but I'll bet things haven't changed all that much since then. The object of the game is still the same.

Oh, and three things I like about you? (I could name more than three, btw)

1. Your honesty and openness
2. Your self-awareness
3. Your intelligence

buffalodick said...

My Jedi mind tricks won't work on you, that's for sure...
1. You are now in control of your life.
2. You can only control what is controllable.
3. Relax, and let the other stuff just come along.

melissalion said...

Oh, you could read Neil Strauss's The Game. I actually loved that book. It was a fascinating journey into the minds of these players.

Anonymous said...

Hello, you can always practice on me!

MilesPerHour said...

What Jeff said!!!!

Dingo said...

Games? Who wants to play games when you're looking for a real relationship? I say to hell with the games and just be yourself. Are you going to play the don't accept a date after Wednesday, wait two days to call him back, and all that other mess? Kate, you are real and you want someone who is real. Forget the games.

LiLu said...

This living thing IS exhausting. But it gets easier with every such interaction.