New Life

I had my first "flirting" lesson on Tuesday night. And after fifty billionty times of me saying, "Are you kidding me?" and "People really DO that kind of thing?" he quietly says to me, "Kate? You can either accept that people do it and learn to play the game or you can continue to do what you're doing now and miss out on meeting some really cool people." To which I dropped my suddenly tearful eyes and any sort of bravado I was clinging to and said, "I know. I'm just trying to wrap my head around what I've been completely oblivious to all these years." I had NO IDEA that people have this thing called "game." And that they're incredibly saavy about playing it. That people take CLASSES in how to pick up women - and pay alot of money to do so. There's these things called "openers" and "threads" and hand gestures that supposedly hypnotize you in some way. Good God. Perhaps it's better that I just not know? Maybe I should crawl back under my rock and just say thankyouverymuchfortheinformationnowpleasegoaway. But I won't. Because I'm convinced there is a lesson here that's larger than flirting and dating.

What it ultimately boiled down to is what I think about myself. And that's where I got stuck with an assignment. I'm supposed to ask my closest friends to name the three things they appreciate the most about me, write them down and then start believing that those things give me worth and that they are worth giving to the world at large. It's the difference between believing I'm a "2" and a "10." And then projecting that number to the people around me. And I get that. My inner monolgue does not tell me on a regular basis that I'm worth knowing. And that's something that I work on all the time. This is not news. To me, that's the keystone of my recovery. And this assignment is nothing more than a repeat of the things I've been learning all along. Okay.

He also asked me how I feel when I'm sitting alone. Duh. That's something I think about all the time. I've often felt that when I sit somewhere alone, I am surrounded by hazard signs that say, "DO NOT TALK TO ME. DO NOT TOUCH ME. I WILL DECIMATE YOU WITH MY EYES SHOULD YOU EVEN ATTEMPT TO APPROACH." And those signs were erected long ago to protect me when I was indeed, way too vulnerable for any sort of casual interaction, but it's hard work tearing those stupid signs down. Because even though I don't want them up anymore, they're easy to hide behind. And sometimes I don't even know I'm hiding behind them anymore. So occasionally, I peek out from under cover and sometimes I bravely jump out from behind them and declare that YES! I AM WOMAN! HERE I AM!

There's always work to do. Hrmph. Work. Work. Work. This living thing is exhausting. So, you have an assignment. GO.