Sometimes I'm Not Strong Enough For Your Version Of Crazy

10:29 AM Edit This 13 Comments »
I have long considered my default position in relationship to other people to be, innocent until proven guilty. As in, I will give you the benefit of the doubt as a human being until your mouth says something incredibly asinine or self-serving, thereby implicating yourself as a narcissistic idiot. Sometimes it doesn't happen right away. We can merrily go along developing an acquaintance or friendship and perhaps spend many hours together. I might solicit a coffee date. Maybe invite you to meet some of my closer friends. Perhaps tell you some of my story. I may sit in meetings with you for months at a time, thereby implicating a certain sort of intimacy, which although forced, sometimes feels real. I perhaps start hugging you when you need it. In certain cases, I might have invited you into my bed long before I should have, but well - that's just how it is. In other cases, you are welcome to my home for bonfires, dinner parties and other events along with half of Sioux Falls.
 
But then you say something dreadfully appalling. It might be your politics. It might be your misogyny. Or your homophobia. It might just be sheer stupidity. Or you could really just be an asshole, and even though you tried your best to hide it, it was just a matter of time before it surfaced. And the first time, I may look at you quizzically. Might question you about your statement. But you've given me no other reason to cease getting to know you and it passes. Perhaps you make a few more choice statements over time and I feel my burgeoning affection wane. But I don't give up yet. Because I believe everyone deserves a chance. Holy. Was I ever a piece of work before I got sober. And even long after that. I was the embodiment of crazed self absorption . I thought everyone around me should cater to my thoughts and ideas. I believed that the world owed me companionship through my struggles. I wanted someone to save me from myself. And goddamn it, if I was going down, I was going to make you look as crazy as me so I didn't feel so alone when I dragged you down with me. So even if you're presenting as a deranged lunatic, I will STILL give you the time of day. Because there were people who did that for me until I got a handle on reality and started the hard work of changing my thoughts and behaviors.
 
But sometimes? I am just simply done. It might be that your insanity is too much for me to handle on my own. It might be that your hatred of others or even of yourself is too hard to combat on a regular basis. A lot of times, your version of reality is just so dichotomous to mine i.e. dishonest, that I can't weave my version into yours to make it work. It could be that your egotistical lifestyle doesn't allow for a true give and take friendship and you simply don't see that in yourself. You're not quite sure why you go to bed lonely every night, but you just shrug and say to yourself that it's "everyone else" who doesn't see just-how-very-special-you-are. And, um... That gets fucking old. I don't need that shit in my life. I have done some seriously hard work to become the woman that I am today. And I do not kid myself that there is a ton more work to do. But if you don't want to look at yourself critically and present as honestly as possible in relationship? I don't have time for you.
 
And guess what I learned on Monday? I do not OWE you an explanation of my detachment. I do not OWE it to you to continue to be "nice" to you. I do not OWE it to you to take your phone calls. Or to even engage you in conversation. What makes you think that just because I once laid naked next to you that I desire to know anything about you anymore? What trapping of human design means I have to continue to be pleasant to you just because I once took you out to coffee? You want to know "WHY?" And I tell you "why." And you don't accept that as a good enough reason. TOO BAD. Go whine to someone you are deluded enough to think cares that "Kate doesn't like me anymore." Why is it so important to you that I like you anyway? That's the question you should be asking yourself. Guess what? The world and it's people owe you nothing. Not a damn thing. And it's a lonely and ugly place you have to get to before you understand that sometimes. Then, and only then, and only then MAYBE you might start to see a different way to live.

13 comments:

melissalion said...

I totally give people a zillion chances too. I'd like to give people only like ten chances. I'm working on that.

Kristen said...

This was beautifully written, dude.

I give people too many chances too and I always suffer for it.

Al In The County said...

Very well said. Thanks for writing this and reminding us all of this truth that its easy to feel guilty about when we put it into practice.

SoMi's Nilsa said...

The loud voice of Kate rings through. I think we've all been in situations with others where they need to hear this message.

rudecactus said...

Seems strong to me!

Summer said...

Very well put, Girlie. Isn't it funny how someone can just say or do ONE particular thing that makes them unforgettably ugly in our minds? When that happens to me, I can't wash them off fast enough.

artemisia said...

Um, that is a wonderful kind of strength.

This is wonderful. I am still trying to believe this for myself. Still working at it...

BrianAlt said...

Sorry Kate, I'll leave you alone now.

:'(

Daisee579 said...

Thanks for the post. It's an interesting reminder that we are the reason for our guilt. I tend to give too many chances too and end up feeling guilty when I don't continue to give chances. Or I get absorbed in why so and so doesn't like me. Thanks, I needed this today :)

Kelly Hogaboom said...

Satisfying to read, I'd imagine satisfying to write.

Ms. Terri said...

Here here! (or is it hear, hear?) Either way, very well said.

Lemmonex said...

We only owe people kindness and courtesy when they show us the same.

brookem said...

ditto to lemmonex.
and also? this was so beautifully written.