My Feet Are Not Happy

9:12 PM Edit This 7 Comments »


I'm not happy. And you're a witness to this winter's breakdown. I know when to ask for help, so don't worry about that. I'm just not right. And I don't know where I'm at. I miss him. And I hate him at the same time. I know that's so called normal. But I don't do normal. I have to worry about it. And worry about me. I have had a wonderful respite from my melancholy. I really have. And for that I'm superbly grateful. But it has come to roost. And I do with it what I will. I know enough to keep walking with Dancing Queen and keep loving Baby Z. I know enough to keep taking a shower and showing up for work every morning. But it doesn't make it any easier. To force myself to do such things. The dark of my soul has returned. I only hope for a quick passing.

7 comments:

The Pollinatrix said...

I can't watch your video yet, because I'm listening to some strange and lovely music on someone else's blog, but I just wanted to tell you that the melancholy and weird mood seems to be going around the blogosphere. I certainly have been feeling it. Things have been looking much bleaker and just more sorrowful than I generally know them to be.

I don't know if this helps, and I hope I'm not being presumptuous, but I just wanted to tell you you're not alone.

Jeff D'Antonio said...

I know you miss him, Kate. Grief comes in waves, it always does. Sometimes all it takes is a certain smell to remind you, or a place, or a song on the radio, or whatever, and it takes you right back there. Right back to the grief. Right back to the memories, and the hopes and dreams and the longing for what might have been. This is so not what you want to hear right now, but that never goes away, Kate. You'll always miss him, because the only way to stop missing him is to forget - and I know you don't want to forget. It's okay to miss him sometimes. It's okay to feel hopeless and sad and even angry sometimes. It's okay to want him back, even though you hate him for leaving you behind. It's okay to feel all those things at the same time. It's okay, as long as you're still living your life in spite of it all.

But you know where all that can lead to if you let it, so promise me that you won't let it. Promise me that you'll keep dancing, and walking, and reading, and talking, and writing, and doing all the things that gave you the reprieve you've enjoyed so much these past few months. And promise me that you'll ask for help if you need it. Kate, you're still new at this recovery thing, and you can't go it alone. I won't let you.

You are here. Right now. You have a second chance at life, and that's worth more than anything else in the world.

SoMi's Nilsa said...

Hang in there, Kate. I don't have any sage advice to give you. Instead, I offer you a music video to watch. Hopefully it will lighten your step, even if just momentarily.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eoaTl7IcFs8

buffalodick said...

Well, if there are peaks, there will be valleys.. Climb, and don't think...

Jules said...

Sorry to hear the darkness has come to visit again. Let's hope it's a brief visit and you feel like yourself again. Hang in there, Kate.

melissalion said...

Okay. Nick Drake is okay. As soon as you put on Cat Power or Eliot Smith, I'm flying to South Dakota, YOU HEAR ME?

It'll pass. Also take some vitamin D pills.

Jen said...

Hang in there doll, it will pass, it always does. Hugs.