Talking to Myself

9:17 AM Edit This 12 Comments »
So, I signed up for this online thingy where you track what you eat and your exercise and blah blah blah. It's kind of fun. Except for the part where I have to put in that I ate an entire box of pepperoni pizza rolls last night. I used to blame my late night eating on my drunkenness. Turns out I'm just a pig. With no self control.
Whenever I start exercising and watching what I eat, I always get this delusion that something MAGICAL is going to happen. That the pounds will just melt right off of me and all will be utopia. And whereas I KNOW that is not the case in reality, my brain likes to go to la la land where it really does happen. So, OF COURSE I stepped on the scale this morning, because I walked ONE WHOLE TIME! And um. It didn't budge. Not one single bit. And in fact, it just MAY have gone up a titch. (It is SO a word!) And that means I can stuff my face with sorrow and stop all this exercising nonsense. Because IT ISN'T WORKING!
Just kidding. Not really. Shut up. No, you shut up. God, you people need to BACK OFF! 
You talk to the voices in your head like that, too. Don't tell me you don't.
So I had oatmeal and a banana for breakfast. And I may or may not (Okay I DID ALREADY, SHUT UP!) put brown sugar on my oatmeal and ruin it's complete healthiness.
Here are the reasons I want/need to lose weight. Just so you know my motivation. Because your motivation helps you stay on track, right?
I have upper abdominal fat which hurts your heart and makes you dead faster. (This one is utterly boring.)
The less I weigh, the less my broken leg aches in the cold and wet weather. (Again. Horribly boring. But entirely motivating when it's 40 below and I can't get the damn thing to move the way I want it to and end up dragging it behind me, which is SO not attractive.)
No one ever looks at me twice. You know how guys do that double take when a pretty girl walks by? Well, it doesn't happen to me and I think that sucks. So even though this reason is vain, I don't care, it's probably the most motivating one out there.
Cowgirl lost 25 pounds and looks fanfuckingtastic and that's not fair. (Competition, anyone?)
And my yearly doctor's appointment is in January. He told me last year that even though I was overweight, that I wasn't steadily gaining weight like every other woman he treats and that's a good thing so just stop worrying about it and stay sober, because that's more important than losing weight. Well, I wasn't satisfied with that answer, so I want to be all "You told me I couldn't do it, so take that you non-contraceptive-prescribing-nutjob." (I love my doctor. Really. He would find it funny if I taunted him into complimenting me on my weight loss, but whatever.)
So there you have it. And I'm going walking again tonight. In the dark. With Dancing Queen. And I'm bringing a flashlight this time, because it got a little creepy last time.


SoMi's Nilsa said...

There's nothing wrong with being perfectly honest about why you want to lose weight. So long as getting to a healthy weight is the goal (versus some obscenely thin, never reachable goal), then go you!!

justme said...

i don't buy that no one ever looks at you twice, i just don't....but i think all of your reasons are awesome. you will get there!!!

Holly said...

hey girl, i'm with you on this one. many of the reasons you outlined are the same for me. add a genetic predisposition to having high BP at the age of freakin' 36 and my intense desire to never have to go beyond the 10mg dose I am currently on...

we can commiserate together. you ping me when you need a push, i'll ping you.

Josephine said...

Great resolution, go for it. :) From the comments I see you've got some support right here.

However, I'd like to give my unrequested opinion on one thing. You don't need to lose weight to be attractive first of all, and second, like justme says, I don't buy that no one gives you a second look either. It's a compliment, take it. :)

lacochran said...

"You talk to the voices in your head like that, too. Don't tell me you don't."

Of course I do. You know that.

Allie said...

I think my conversations with myself are more frequent than my conversations with other people, actually. :)

The only way I've had any luck really losing is by lifting weights. I started lifting and lost several pant sizes (but only about 6 lbs.). Cardio doesn't work for me like it used to.

Summer said...

People eat oatmeal without brown sugar? Yuk! :)

GreenCanary said...

Whoa. WE ARE THE SAME PERSON! I walked 1.5 times this week and I can tell you that if I don't lose 80 pounds because of it, I'm SO NOT DOING WEIGHT WATCHERS ANYMORE. Because that's how I (fat)roll.

LiLu said...

The vanity reason?

Yeah, that's the only one that EVER motivates me.

I'm cool with it. ;-)

Jen said...

People say they exercise for the health thing and all that jazz. I do too. But to lose weight I have to diet. It's definitely what I eat what makes me fat. And for me, of course it's the vanity thing, 100%. I absolutely love food and sweets all the more, so for me to give them up to lose weight, well, I have to be pretty vain, and I am, and I'm ok with that.
You go girl! Stick to it and you'll see, it will pay off. Double take looks are closer than you think! : )

Kelly Hogaboom said...

A flashlight is a must for late-night walking. Or maybe even a spelunking helmet, because that would be cool.

I can't say I relate to dieting or weight-loss pursuit in any way whatsoever anymore, since I am a FA activist (this article: changed my life... as well as the FAQs here: It's like a religion to me, but even more awesome. I have never been more happy and active and of course, I don't obsess about food at all.

I wish you the same exercise I do - lots of sweat-inducing, pain-free, meditative, exhilarating heart-pumping exercise! Have fun! (want me to send you a mixtape? Email me your address!).

Kristen said...

Weight Watchers gives me a smiley face for exercising and drinking water and crap.

It's really lame, but I totally work for my smiley face.