My New Lover Is A Bitch

3:32 PM Edit This 17 Comments »
So inbetween oogling the baby for four days, my mom and I did some serious walking. I'm kind of into it right now. I like how I feel when I'm done. Sadly, I know I will never, ever get up one second before I have to on work days. So morning exercising is out. And it's already dark by the time I get off work and walking in the dark with my iPod by myself just kind of squicks me. But Crissy to the rescue! She didn't get her pre-baby body back in seconds flat for nothing. She sent me a DVD of this nice looking yoga fellow.

Hello, Lovah... His name is Baron. Tres chic, no? Doesn't he look nice? And kind? He has kind eyes, doesn't he? And his voice is very soothing and encouraging. He makes me want to do yoga with him. My whole family agreed. I made them get on the floor and do it with me so I wasn't the only fat freak of nature writhing on the floor post-Thanksgiving food fest.
I am very good at downward dog. And Baron wants me to do it alot. I like downward dog.
I am warrior! And Baron Baptiste doesn't shame me for my fat rolls. He's all encourag-y like that.
This is home base, apparently. If you can't do something, you're supposed to do this pose until it's time to try something else. Child's pose. Well, the baby doesn't sleep this way, but whatever.

This one's a little tougher. It feels really good, but I have a hard time getting out of it. I usually just fall over to one side and disengage that way. It's easier. My mother kept telling me to knock it off, that I was going to break something. And she didn't mean bones, she meant her china.I vaguely remember doing something like this when I was little, thinking it was funny. This time? My brother was about to pee his pants listening to me saying, "Get me out of this! I'm stuck! Quit laughing you ingrate!"Then Baron turned on me. That little sadistic bitch. Whose body can do that? Not mine. We all laid on the floor and laughed.
How about this one, fat suckers? And Baron the Nazi Baptiste didn't ask me to do this one, but I'm sure he does it all the time. Freak.
This is my favorite part of yoga. It's called Corpse. Yeah. Corpse. I like looking dead.

17 comments:

Allie said...

Hahahaha! Corpse pose is the best one. And, actually, I was just wondering about the child pose the other day. I've never seen a child just hanging out like that before. . .

Shevonne said...

When I tried Bikram Yoga this one time, the Corpse pose was definitely my favorite.

MsDarkstar said...

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to use a Harold & Maude quote:

"A lot of people enjoy being dead. But they are not dead, really. They're just backing away from life. *Reach* out. Take a *chance*. Get *hurt* even. But play as well as you can. Go team, go! Give me an L. Give me an I. Give me a V. Give me an E. L-I-V-E. LIVE! Otherwise, you got nothing to talk about in the locker room." ~Maude

melissalion said...

Oooh I need some of those yoga tapes. I hate teh yogas, but I also trust Crissy implicitly. You see? It's a conundrum.

buffalodick said...

Have you ever woke up in the corpse pose, with a chalk line around you? Just kiddin' dear!

carrster said...

Oh yeah, i'm all over Corpse. I usually fall asleep. It's awesome. :)

I need to find a good pre-natal (and then post-baby) yoga dvd. Any suggestions anyone?

Sweetly Single said...

hehehe did you get free?

Summer said...

I love yoga, but those last poses are insane.

LiLu said...

I should make the kitties do yoga!!!!!

Rebecca said...

Some of those poses make me wonder if those people have no bones, just jelly and joints.

underOvr (aka The U) said...

Hi Kate,

I'm happy for you, Crissy (for hooking you up with) Yoga and your instructor. I'm sure he gets you every time you stare into his eyes and say, "You little sadistic bitch!" Yes, I'm certain he doesn't mind a bit.

U

Kelly Hogaboom said...

Hahaha! This post made me laugh. Corpse pose ONLY feels good to me after I've done lots of active yoga, and if I have a blanket to lay on top of myself. I'm impressed you can do camel. Me, not so much.

The yogamazing podcast with Chaz Rough is awesome. He is a very nice guy. Not my type - kind of hairy, and he looks about the size of a AAA battery. HOWEVER he is an excellent (and free of charge) yoga instructor!

SoMi's Nilsa said...

I need to get my ass back into the yoga studio. Thankfully, some of those last poses you showed are not on my instructor's list.

Holly said...

You just crack me up. Corpse is on my top list, second only to Supta Padangusthasana (reclining big toe pose) and maybe reclining butterfly.

I fall out of side crane every damn time. You'd think lugging a 28 lbs kid around would allow me to do that pose but hell no.

I have been banned from yoga since the whole hip fiasco and am desperate to get back.

Jen said...

Yeah, some poses are really tough. I just came from yoga class, which was interrupted by a fire alarm. Ah NYC, the adventure! Anyhow, glad you're enjoying it and getting others to join in the fun, it's always better to do it with someone else.

O'Mama said...

I have so many tapes, but if I could have Baron encouraging me in front of a backdrop of Sedona or the crashing surf, I might just get offa a little more often. Good for you for getting into yoga - my naturopathic doctor husband is convinced I might kvetch less and sleep better if I did, but I haven't been inspired enough. Maybe Baron will do it for me. I'm already good at the corpse pose...

GirlWithCurls said...

My sister-in-law turned me onto yoga. Once upon a time we were in the "temple" pose, trying to keep up with a tv exercise trainer, when something about the awkwardness of the pose started to tickle our humor. Uncontrollable laughter toppled us over like dominos. Your post reminded me of our adventures in yoga, and I've been giggling ever since. Thank you!