Right

7:49 AM Edit This 13 Comments »
Its been awhile since there was a deep, emotion laden post on this blog. And I'm not sure this one is going to be it either, but I'm not doing so hot. I mean, all things considered, I'm fine. I'm not out in the world causing wreckage and mayhem. And I'm not doing it internally either. Which is good, too. But I'm not right. I don't know if it's the early dark? If it's the October breakdown come late to haunt me? Or if I just need to get off my ass and exercise and get those endorphins going. It could be the impending holidays and my inability to make those a joyful event. Anniversaries and holidays die hard with me anymore. Four years he'll have been gone this year on December 29th. Four WHOLE YEARS without him. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. There's Thanksgiving and Christmas to get through first.

I don't know what it is. And I don't like it. This used to be a permanent state for me. The "notrightedness" and it became familiar, so when I finally got a little joy going in my life, I was frightened of it. But now it is unfamiliar, and for that, I am very grateful. I'm not sure what to do about it, but I think I'll just keep plugging along and hoping that it rights itself somewhere along the way.

13 comments:

Jeff D'Antonio said...

I think we all hit that wall sometimes. I know I do. As much as I love my life, sometimes I go for weeks at a time when things just don't seem right - like there's something missing, or out of whack. Nothing specific, just a general feeling of "blah." And then one day that feeling just goes away, and I'm back to normal again. I can't point to anything specific that makes it all better, it just...I dunno, sorts itself out, I guess.

The holidays are tough. I know.

I wish I had some sage advice for you, but I don't. Just get through today? Sounds trite and simplistic, but it's the best I can do for now. Tomorrow will be better.

Here to listen, if you need to talk or write or vent.

Jennifer said...

I can relate to these feelings not due to the "same" circumstances, but within my own circumstance and the pending season to come. I have had a shift this year. It has taken me 4 years to truly look forward to the upcoming holiday season. This will be the 5th season since some really serious situations for me and finally now I am LIGHT within myself.

I am hoping for you today.

Jen said...

I'd say don't try to figure it out, it will come to you, or not, and that will be ok too. Go out, exercise, get those endorphins pumping and happiness will kick in. It works for me every time.

The Pollinatrix said...

I've been in and out of this kind of feeling lately myself. I totally second Jen's advice.

melissalion said...

Have you read Breakfast at Tiffany's? I always think of that feeling as the Mean Reds.

I think it's all of those things -- the dark, the exercise. Maybe just go for a walk on lunch just to breathe a little bit.

SoMi's Nilsa said...

Maybe you should consider going back to weeklies with the therapist to get you through this time of year? Or, you could just go camping again and dance to your heart's content around the fire for hours upon hours.

Sparkling Red said...

It's all part of being breathed by grief. The exhale will come.

brad said...

I hope the feeling doesn't linger. But that it is unfamiliar now is a very, very, very good sign.

lacochran said...

Why aren't you dancing these days? You were enjoying that so much. Surely, there are dances or dance classes you can take.

That's right, I called you Surely.

Kelly Hogaboom said...

Exercise is good. Like the one where you bundle up and take a brisk walk to the bakery / coffee shop. And eat an eclair and have a hot cup of coffee. Then take a cab home or have someone pick you up in a warm car, and watch a silly movie or knit or read or take a bath or whatever you do that is just comforting.

Thank you for writing; I know what you mean by "not right". I hope you feel better soon.

JoLee said...

When's the last time you went out and shook that cute little ass of yours?

Plus, it's so totally ok to have rough patches. I'm having one myself right now.

Hugs to you!

BrianAlt said...

It's tough, but intellectually you know it happens. And you'll get through it.

Perhaps an extra session is in order. It's not defeat! Don't think it's defeat. Just like you would return to the doctor if your cold wasn't getting better.

Be well, gentle soul. (Not sure what that means, but it sounds nice.)

TMC said...

oooo, I'm quite familiar with "notrightedness." I'm glad you could shake it.