אַרְבַּע

8:31 AM Edit This 14 Comments »
Well, honey? You've been dead for four years now. And I certainly was not thinking anything nice about you when I woke up this morning. In fact, I'm kind of angry. Well, not kind of. I really am angry. I'm angry that you left me. I'm angry that you gave up the fight. I'm angry that you loved alcohol more than me. I'm angry that dying was more preferrable to you than being here. I'm angry that you pulled me into your web of lies. I'm angry that I loved you at all, actually.

I'm angry that I shed my sense of reality for yours. I'm angry that I lived in that delusion for long after you were gone. I'm angry that it took me this long to learn to live again. I'm angry that I wasted so much precious time trying to pretend you weren't dead.

And Jason? I'm angry that you broke my heart in places that can't be fixed. And I'm angry that I hate you for that. So, for all the love that we shared and the cherished moments I have seared into my brain, I don't like you very much today. Now you just go be dead by yourself for awhile. I don't live in that world anymore.

I was much nicer last year.

14 comments:

carrster said...

Oh honey - I think you are feeling exactly the right feelings at the right time. Hang in there on this tough day.

BrianAlt said...

четыре

Sure was nicer!

I checked my comment. It was, "keep rising."

You are doing that.

Daisee579 said...

I know nothing about handling the grief you live with daily. But I have to agree with Carrster - I bet you are feeling what you need to feel today and it's all okay. Congrats on making it this far :) You know we are all rooting for you, even if we can't fix the holes.

Jeff D'Antonio said...

Anger is good. Be angry, for now. Angry is better than numb. So kick and scream and yell and throw things and punch a wall if you need to.

But when you're done with all that? Live.

melissalion said...

I'm angry at him. Also sad. What a wasted life.

Rebecca said...

Must be the name....I dated a Jason that needs a big red warning slicker tape over him to warn away all the girls who will be lured into his path of destruction. There was never any alcohol involved or drugs or anything illegal. It was all emotional. Sometimes, that is just as bad.....I think.

Sparkling Red said...

This morning I saw the word alcohol on an incoming referral spelled "alcohole". And I thought of your stories and how appropriate a spelling that is. How it's dark and how you can fall down into it. Alcohole.

Kelly Hogaboom said...

Just: letting you know I read every time you write.

justsomethoughts... said...

i need to compose myself every time i'm done reading something of yours
incredible

this one is so hard and soft at the same time
really a great piece

Josephine said...

All the best, and two thumbs up.

stoogepie said...

Hey lady. For what it's worth, I don't think anyone could love alcohol more than you. I don't know, but I'm guessing that maybe he slept with alcohol the way that people sleep with those they don't love. And sometimes it kills them.

Anyways, anger is good, at least in the short term. Anger beats denial or longing any day. And anger stokes the fires of passion.

Here's a non-alcoholic toast to next year, which will be better even than last year.

Suburban Sweetheart said...

Oh, Kate. I feel like I could've written this...

Here's to a 2010 of letting go & moving forward.

The Pollinatrix said...

This is one of the most powerful posts I've ever read.

SoMi's Nilsa said...

It's pretty damn amazing to watch your journey, Kate. To see the different phases you go through in your healing. Anger is most certainly allowed. You deserve to be angry. And you also deserve to be happy again.