Today, I Bow Down In Defeat

8:24 AM Edit This 17 Comments »
My will to win at winter is waning. Say THAT five times super fast. It's not pretty. Last night the weatherman was all, "Get where you're going and stay there." And even I - The Diva Of Winter - know that means business. All the interstates were closed North, South, East and West of me. And The Crazy started as soon as I sat down with my slippers and tea.

It's been a long time since The Crazy visited. It's a slew of old behaviors and thoughts and ideas that do me no good whatsoever. It started when Cowgirl texted me and told me last night's Intervention was really good. She knows I don't watch tv, so if there's something she thinks I might like, she has to tell me. I turned it on. (I even "searched" for it with my remote! That's progress!) And all of a sudden, as I'm watching this stubbon dad and crying kids, all I could picture was stubbon me and MY crying dad. The shame, the guilt and the horror of what I put him (and everyone else) through came crashing back.

And what does that lead to? Pictures. Of The Dead Guy. More shame, guilt, anger and the like. So, I whip out what I've written about our lives together and fan the flames. You see how this goes down? And mind you, this is within a matter of minutes that all this happens. But I do know how to do one thing right, and that's ask for help. It's not a matter of me telling MYSELF to turn it all off and find a good book. That doesn't work when it happens that quickly. I can't REMEMBER what to do when it gets that bad, that fast. I know that this is not good and I know that I have to stop it, but what? How? Ack! No!

And let me tell you, internet. You are a saving grace for me sometimes. And I thank you for that. It was as simple as typing a name into my gchat with a question mark and the response was, "Turn off the tv. Now. Go have a smoke." And DUH! Of course that's what I needed to do. And even though it didn't stop it all right then and there, it gave me the pause I needed to know that I needed to just shut it all down for the night. Turn off the computer, turn off the tv, put the photo albums away, brush my teeth, wash my face and crawl under the covers with a cat or two.

I'm not totally over it yet this morning - it's what they call an emotional hangover, but there was no crazy crying and there was no drinking, there was just an ugly blank spot in my soul that popped up before my very eyes and tried to take ahold.

So for today, I will be dreaming of my garden and springtime and the beach. Because winter has finally gotten to me.

17 comments:

texas math said...

It takes a strong person to be able to stop from spiraling downward.

I read about a whiteout in the Dakotas this morning and I thought about your blog.

I have absolutely no idea what a whiteout is, but I'm sure it's not as fun as I think it sounds.

carrster said...

I don't know, Kate. Sounds like major progress to me! Quieting the crazy is invaluable!!

this winter is hard for me too - mostly because I can't ski this year! It's no fun when you can't go out and play!! (although - spring needs to hold off, I'm not ready!)

Summer said...

I'm sorry about this crazy ass winter. It's enough to drive anyone out of their mind, but it actually sounds like you are doing well with it. The weather is headed our way, so I stopped off at the Goodwill and bought a gazillion books. We can toast our hot chocolates via the internets. :)

clearness said...

Winter gets to me the day hockey season starts because that is the messenger of winter. eeewwwhhh. I can't wait for March. . .

It's flurrying today and eewwoohhh, I had to drive which you would think that I grew up in southern Florida by the way I was thinking.....oh well. it's all done and over.

melissalion said...

TV is just bad for the soul. I watched it all weekend and I didn't sleep well. Then I felt fat. Then I felt bad and useless.

Just avoid it.

Also, the internet is awesome.

Jeff D'Antonio said...

Sounds to me like you're handling the crazy pretty well. We all have those down days sometimes, but they always get better. Always.

Jen said...

Look at you all defeating defeat! You looked The Crazy in the face and told it to shut it. Good for you! You should be proud of yourself, I know I am! :)

SoMi's Nilsa said...

It always amazes me how a few simple words stops the world from spinning. Even if, as you said, it's only momentarily. Sometimes that is just enough to change our path. Glad you knew where to turn and what to do to get yourself unraveled from that ball.

Kristen said...

I can't get past the part about slippers and tea. That's what I want.

I think winter has kicked my ass too.

Kristen said...

I can't get past the part about slippers and tea. That's what I want.

I think winter has kicked my ass too.

Josephine said...

Well. They say (day)dreaming is healthy so I hope you enjoyed!

MsDarkstar said...

Soon your mailbox will have goodies in it. They may not make winter go away, but they should improve the way it smells!

justme said...

you are NOT defeated...its just not the time for those feelings to go away.

Captain Crab said...

I always happen to be in SF at the right time don't I?

Kristin said...

I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time, but you're very strong to have barreled through the pain!

BrianAlt said...

While we don't know each other all that well, you do know how to get in touch with me. I would be there if you needed me.

The Pollinatrix said...

I hear you. Winter has finally gotten to me too.

And the Crazy - it really is alarming how fast it can take hold. I'm glad you made it through the way you did.