Heartbroken

8:28 AM Edit This 28 Comments »
Remember all those men that saved my life? There were five of them. The ones that held my hand as I sobbed for 30 days. The ones that rubbed my back for hours on end and told me to breathe in and then breathe out again when I forgot. The ones that listened to me scream out in rage at my loss. The ones that told me they would love me until I could figure out how to love myself. The ones that took my phone calls in the middle of the night when I forgot to breathe in and out once again and the panic set in. And they'd remind me that a hot bath and tea always did the trick and why don't I try that. The ones that proved to me that not all men love you and leave you.

Well. There's only four of them now. And they DO love you and leave you. They die.

And I'm hoping that I can just muddle through work today and then get to my meeting. Because everyone will be there. And when one of us can't hold it together, someone else will be able to and vice versa. When Cowgirl called me in a choking sob last night, I knew it was bad. But I sat there woodenly for three hours. I blankly called Miss M and told her the news. I read my book and checked in with Baby Z and giggled to him over the phone for awhile and then I laid down and all hell broke loose in my head. And I called out to Tallgrass and one of those lovely men reminded me that this time was no different and that a hot bath and tea would work for this one too and why don't I try it. And I did. And I slept. And now it's morning.

And it's bright and sunny and for once the winter weather does not match my grieving soul. One of my pillars is gone. And it hurts my heart so badly that I forget to breathe in and out sometimes.

28 comments:

carrster said...

Oh Kate, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I'm thinking of you today!!

BrianAlt said...

I am sorry for your loss. Grieving is part of living. You have every right to it.

Bob said...

I'm so sorry - my sincerest condolences. Think of all of the good he did for you and others and concentrate on that. A good man deserves to have his life celebrated.

Thinking of you.

badmuthafudruckers said...

I'm sorry Kate!

He sounds like an amazing man who didn't leave you without the tools to deal with his absence.

melissalion said...

Oh no. I'm sorry.

Enjoy that sunshine. It's heals, you know?

The Pollinatrix said...

I don't know what to say except I'm sorry. That in no way encompasses what I'm actually feeling; it's a token, nothing more. Just know you're in my thoughts today.

I too am grieving today, and I too had "all hell break loose" in my head last night. Loss sucks.

Court said...

Oh sweet girl! It's going to hurt and it's going to hurt real good. Just take your time. Cry and kick and scream and let all of those feelings play out. No one will blame you for it.

I know all too well what this feels like. You are in my thoughts.

Holly said...

Oh kate, I'm so sorry. It's whole and heaviness, I know. But we're here to help you fill it up. We love you and want very much to be close enough to hug you.

Jen said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's hard to say bye to those we love and have loved us and supported us so. I can't even imagine. Hugs.

TMC said...

oh dear. I don't know what to say. Please try to remember that his being gone doesn't change the experience you shared. And since you know how helpful having someone like him around during a difficult time, perhaps you could be that kind of help to someone else who needs comforting.

BrianAlt said...

And see how loving an nuturing you can be? You still take time to try to help Canary when she's low too. That's a special person.

Bev said...

I'm so sorry!

Matt said...

Im so sorry for your loss..

MsDarkstar said...

I'm so sorry, K8.

Ink Spiller said...

Kate, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Sparkling Red said...

((HUGS))

Hillary said...

I'm sorry for your loss.

clearness said...

Lots of prayers.

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

You know, Kate, a long time ago, a dear friend of mine suddenly lost her father. And I found peace when I overheard someone telling her something along the lines of her father's work was done here. He saw his children til they could stand on their own. He was no longer needed here.

And whether you're religious or not (I'm not, at least not in that way), I still think there's some truth to that concept. Your friend might have been a pillar during some of your darkest times. But, you know what? You are standing on your own now and you don't even realize it.

It's like the father holding the back of the bike as the kid learns to ride. And suddenly lets go. The kid is riding on his own. And doing just fine. Kate, that's you. You're doing just fine. And your friend knew that enough to know you'd be fine on your own.

Grieve, my friend. Grieve the loss of a dear friend who supported you when you needed it most. But, remind yourself you're riding just fine on your own.

bustysatan said...

I'm so, so sorry Kate.

buffalodick said...

It is time to swim in warm, shallow water..not the deep, cold, dark stuff. You have to survive, to give back. Priorities are a good way to get back on the ladder headed upwards..

Jennifer said...

So sorry Kate.

The Good Cook said...

Kate - as gently as I can I am going to tell you this:

This man did not leave you. He is still with you. He is in your heart and always will be. You may not be able to see him but you can feel him.

I attended a wake last night. My oldest son's best friends mother was killed last Wednesday while out shoveling snow. She was hit by a pickup truck being driven by a 17 year old boy.

I told Keven the same thing I am telling you. He looked out on a room filled with people and marveled at how many lives his mother had touched.

It is a sign of a life well lived, a life well loved that you grieve for this man. Keep him alive in your heart and he will never be truly gone.

God Bless. I'm so sorry for your sadness.

justme said...

kate, i couldn't/wouldn't say it better than "the good cook". that person didn't leave you, i promise you that.

thinking of you

Shelly said...

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear. I'll be thinking of you today.

artemisia said...

Oh, Kate, I am so sorry.

Grieve. Don't be afraid to grieve. You will get to the other side.

YOU KNOW THIS. You will get to the other side.

I am thinking of you.

The stories and life of a 10-toed North Dakotan said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Times like these remind me how insignificant winter weather complaint is. An awful reminder, but nevertheless, one for me to keep in mind. Sounds like you lost a true friend. Hang in there, dear twin.

Dingo said...

Oh Kate, I am so sorry to hear this. I know you are grieving over the loss of your friend and it's so hard to find the right words to say. Take comfort in the fact that you loved and were truly loved so much by this person. That's more than many can say.