(non) Therapy Tuesday

7:47 AM Edit This 18 Comments »
So, I totally forgot to go see Carolyn this morning. Yeah. Forgot. My standing appointment of more than five years. And when I realized it, I got this sinking feeling in my tummy like I'd been a very, very bad girl. Then I laughed. Because seriously? That's just lurking shame from my past and I don't need that shit anymore. So I called and left her a message and went upon my morning routine.

Now, here's the thing. I consider this great progress. In the past, I would file things away in my brain until I could get to her. As in, "I don't know how I'm supposed to feel/react/process this event/thought/whatever someone said to me that hurt my feelings, so I just won't deal with it until I tell her." Then I would imprint the date I was to see her next on my consciousness and await the date with trepidation. And when Jim died two weeks ago, I did have that thought. That I would just wrap it up in a very messy package and tape it up tight, tight, tight and throw it in a dark dufflebag in the back of the closet and then she could help me unpack it. But I didn't. I just kept dealing with it as it happened. Sure, there were tense moments when I thought my grieving butterflies would fly out my throat and vomit all over the place, but I kept on walking. And I kept on talking. There were some fairly desperate emails sent back and forth to one of you. (You know who you are, and I can't tell you how much it meant to me.) There were some crying phone calls out to Tallgrass and there was much hugging in meetings as we all did it together.

And that's how people do it! I did it. I mean, it's not over by any means, but I didn't need someone to tell me how to react to his death. I didn't need hold in my tears or my thoughts or my feelings. Because I just thought them and felt them and it was as it should be. And for that I am extremely grateful. So, waking up and realizing that you've missed your appointment with your therapist, may just not be the worst thing that ever happened.

18 comments:

justme said...

she might be VERY happy to hear of that progress! i think that it really is true progression though. i love those moments when you look at yourself and realize, "i just reacted differently than i have in years". it's the best!

badmuthafudruckers said...

Glad to hear things are looking up for you!

You deserve a treat...like some garden porn. I've been drooling over Burpee's emails to me all morning.

Holly said...

kate, this post made me smile. Do you know that through this post I feel your bright lite and energy all the way over in the next state.

& i'm loving badmuthafudruckers idea of looking at some garden porn. i might have to do that tonight.

Stacia said...

Maybe missing the appointment wasn't entirely accidental....

Jeff D'Antonio said...

:) Thanks for making me smile today. I needed that.

J

The Good Cook said...

You are awesome! All that therapy work for the past 5 years is paying off. Good For You!! I can't say it loud enough or type it big enough GOOD FOR YOU!!!!

Kristin said...

Congrats lady!! I hope you're gonna celebrate your progress. : )

clearness said...

The internet is way better therapy than a therapist......We are free!

Bev said...

Sounds like you're doing as well as you can, and that is saying something when you're grieving!

Good for you. I love the analogy of the box/tape. Nicely put.

buffalodick said...

After a lifetime of keeping appointments, I no longer consider them engraved in stone. I now remember how many people stiffed me, and who did all the appointment set ups...

Summer said...

That's great, Girl. See shit happens, and it's okay.

brad said...

I think this could be a really good thing, too. Realizing you're not consumed with worry about something like an appointment is freeing.

Ink Spiller said...

I'm smiling here :) It's a great step forward forgetting that appointment while you're grieving because it means you're doing it naturally without having to check with someone else if what you are doing is OK. Virtual hug to you from me!

Ken said...

yay k8!

carrster said...

:)

Allie said...

Good for you! That is awesome progress!

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

That kind of progress is huge.

Dingo said...

I hope you patted yourself on the back for this. It's a huge step.