Therapy Tuesday

8:15 PM Edit This 18 Comments »
When I first got sober, it was imperative that recovery had to come first in all areas of my life. Going to meetings, spending time with other sober people, and focusing all my energies on Just. Not. Drinking. was the number one priority. That first year was full of trial and error, panic, and moments of peace which frankly - scared me. I didn't KNOW how to do peace. I didn't know how to handle calm or happiness or joy. Even though pain hurt, it was familiar and I knew what to do with it. I knew what to do with chaos. And every time my life started to settle, I found myself afraid and wondering when the Next Big Hurdle would come.

I'm not so afraid of the hurdles anymore. I figure I've got what I've got today and I keep doing the footwork that is life and the results are what they turn out to be. But that first year. Whoa baby. Tooth and nail, I hung on. But I knew my focus was right. I didn't care if I exercised, I didn't care if I smoked. I didn't care if I ate junk food in front of the television. Just as long as I stayed sober. And a big part of that was having a job that didn't ask anything of me but to show up. A job that didn't pay very well. A job that - when I looked up at my co-worker four months sober and said to her, "He's really gone." and proceeded to dissolve into the kind of crazy crying that scares people, I could make an emergency phone call to my therapist and leave. But did I mention it didn't pay much?

I racked up some debt. Not unattainable debt, but debt nonetheless. Add that to the the fact that toward the end of my drinking, there was a stack of unopened bills in a basket on the counter that I just couldn't face. Hospital bills, therapy bills, and credit card statements that had charges on them I didn't recognize. Turns out The Dead Guy had used my card for a variety of things whilst in a drunken stupor. But all I could do in the beginning was to throw every available penny I had at that balance. But it just didn't go down. Last fall - almost three years sober, I decided I had to do something about it. I was stable in sobriety (As stable as I'll ever be, I suppose.) and I didn't need to go to meetings every single night of the week. So I committed to finding a part time job. I'd looked for better paying full time jobs, but I wasn't quite ready to leave the security of my current job, even though my brain is melting from disuse.

So I put it out there. I emailed everyone I know - even some of you - and asked for suggestions, leads, thoughts, opportunities. And they came flooding in, but none of them panned out. I filled out some applications here and there, but I knew if I left it up to The Universe, the right one would come to me. And it did. Two months later, someone emailed me and said, "Hey! Are you still looking for a part time job? I've got one for you." It uses my skills, my brain, my compassion and my education - including the Master's Degree I quit with six credit hours to go. And it's perfect.

That announcement I was waiting for on Monday? The one where I thought I was going to lose my job? Well - it didn't pan out that way and I spent a weekend wasting precious sun and garden time worrying about it. But it also sparked some amazing conversations with friends. The kind where they say to me, "What is it that you REALLY want to do?" And for the first time in a long time, I had an answer. I want to work with the families of addicts and alcoholics. I work with addicts and alcoholics at my current part time job, but my fervor is for families. I worked with kids and families for 10+ years. I continue to work with families of people in recovery, but not in a professional manner. And well - saying that out loud to several people turned into phone numbers and contacts and might well turn into more hours for my part time job.

See? I told the person that hired me for said part time job, what had transpired over the weekend and she said, "Do you want to start a family program for us?" And I said, "Of course I do!" And well? I don't know any of the details and I know that sometime down the road, I want that to be a full time job, but I will take whatever experience I can get and I know I'll be good at it and I can't wait to start planning and brainstorming and well - my brain has been fired for the first time in a long, long time. And it feels so good. So. Very. Good. My head is swirling with ideas just waiting to happen. The Universe is watching out for me. I just have to be brave enough to tell it what I want.

18 comments:

The Good Cook said...

You. My. Friend. Are. Brave.

Go for it.

Blessings.
(and joy... always, joy)

TGC

Jennifer said...

This is very very awesome!

justme said...

wow....this is incredible. talk about things happening when and how they are supposed to. i am so happy for your journey

artemisia said...

WWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

You -- and this development -- are so very, very awesome!

Congrats! Keep going. Just keep going!

The Pollinatrix said...

This whole post is very moving, but it's the last line that really got me tearing up. Telling the Universe what I want is a lesson I'm learning right now. (Funny - when I went to type "lesson" I accidentally typed "listen" - which makes sense because I've had to listen to myself to even find out what I want.)

Anyway, I'm very happy for you in your direction. I would feel confident sending anyone in my family to you for help.

Ink Spiller said...

Friggin awesome Kate!

Now all that pain and struggle has turned into valuable experience and coupled with the compassion you obviously have for others you have the perfect base for being able to really help and make a difference. You’ve found your niche, your groove and when one does that the Universe never fails to be supportive.

It’s completely and utterly awesome this! It sure as cheered me up!

G said...

That's fantastic news.

Here's to wishing you a wildly successful endeavor and career path.

Malaise Inc said...

Good for you.

But, I have to say, I just don't think you have the right accent to pull of "whilst."

melissalion said...

OMG! That's so excellent! You've been so helpful to me over email with Archie, you're gonna rock it with in person stuff!!!

Woot!

buffalodick said...

Sounds like the future is brighter than ever for you!

badmuthafudruckers said...

Awesome, Kate! I'm just starting to stick a toe into a field that I love, and the difference is amazing.

It's not NOT work, but it's not torturous, soul-sucking work. WIN!

Todd said...

'but I knew if I left it up to The Universe, the right one would come to me.'


'my brain has been fired for the first time in a long, long time. And it feels so good. So. Very. Good.'

hot damn! i love this...will you ask the Higher Power for me too?...ha ha...i loved this so much...

GreenCanary said...

Rock on, my darling Kate. The Universe is looking out for you! As Yoga Instructor used to say, "Send positive white light out into the Universe, and it will come back to you." I like to think that it comes back to us in a color unique only to us.

I think I know what I want to do when I grow up... I want to start and maintain community garden initiatives. Only I'm not a *real* gardener, but I'm not going to let that stop me. White light come on back to me, but be greeeeeeeeeeeeen!

carrster said...

That is fantastic news, Kate! The Universe has an amazing way of providing us with what we need!!! I'm so excited for you! You're awesome & I continue to be amazed & so proud of you. I"m so looking forward to seeing you next month!!!!!!!

my33people said...

Isn't it a great feeling when we finally realize what it is we want to do? This great Kate! And I know you will be great at it too. Yay! :)

Lemon Gloria said...

Oh, my gosh. This just gave me goosebumps and brought tears to my eyes. I am so happy you put what you wanted out in the universe, and you made it happen!

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

It has been so unbelievably amazing to watch the pieces of your journey I've been privy to see. Just when I think, man she's come so far, you push yourself a little further. And it's inspiring!

Leslie said...

Kate, that is wonderful! Congratulations!