Have you ever woken up and excitedly said to yourself, "Today could change my whole life!"
I haven't. After watching the dreams of my childhood blow up in smoke, one right after the other, I've built a credible pessimism into my psyche. I'm rarely optimistic that things will happen in the manner I choose. I tell myself not to get too excited about anything because I've learned that I don't manage disappointment well. I remember someone saying to me once while I was in treatment, "Don't you EVER think about the GOOD that could come of something instead of the BAD?" And I simply said, "No. There is no reason to." And whereas at the time, that was a statement full of attention seeking self pity, it is no longer. It's what I have fostered to protect myself from the vagaries of life. And I'm mostly okay with that.
I've never gone on a date and said, "He might really be The One." I've never gone into a job interview saying, "This would be the perfect thing for me." And I will never, ever assume that the people I love will ever wake to see a new day. I assume rather, that life is out to get me and I had better take cover and manage my expectations accordingly. I didn't wake up on December 29th, 2005 and think that within two hours, my life would be shattered and altered beyond my control. I didn't think that getting fired 8 months later would be life changing, but I'm glad today that it happened. I didn't wake up in my recovery mom's basement four months after THAT, excited to get locked away in treatment for 30 days, but that changed my life too. However, in what seems to be a dichotomous position, but is really not, I also have faith that The Universe will take care of me, no matter what happens. I may not always be happy, but I have always been provided for. Jason may have died, I may have lost my job and I may have been a horrible drunk, but I've managed to survive and today I am relatively content. I have to be. Apparently, I'm not going to die anytime soon like I wished for, for so long. And if I have to be alive, then I better make the best of it, right?
Some people say your attitude fosters what you get. That if you just WILL good things to happen, they will appear. I say that's a bunch of hoo ha. I've willed and wanted so many things in life that have never shown up that I've given up trying to order my own life to my wishful thinking. My motto for the year, "Just do the footwork." Is apt for all areas of my life. If I want something, then I have to do the footwork and leave the results up to The Universe. If I get what I want, great. If I don't, then I have to accept that and move on. So it rather surprised me today, when I pulled into my parking spot on this sunny and beautifully chilly fall morning and thought to myself, "Something might happen today that will change everything." And in a good way. Not in an ominous way. And then as I got out of the car and breathed in the crisp air, I walked the two blocks in to the building with a spring in my step and a smile on my face. And then I caught myself and said, "Good Lord, what are you THINKING? You're not like that. The thing that could change today might be a horrible tragedy, you idiot." And well - the spring was gone, but I had it for a minute there.
Suffice it to say that I am meeting with someone after work today that I am excited to talk to about some career opportunities. Not hugely excited, but curiously excited. It's my footwork for the day. And maybe it WILL change everything for the good, but I'm not going to count on it.