New Life

So, you know that Cowgirl lives on a large acreage that I call the farm, right? She's got dogs and cats and chickens running all over the place, alongside her half naked children because they just can't be bothered to wear panties. Well, Cowgirl's husband has three brothers that all live on acreages within four miles of each other, so sometimes we go to someone else's farm to hang out. On Sunday, Cowgirl told me that her husband was insisting that I come out to see the biggest bonfire ever. And I'm thinking, "Whatever, it's not like it's cold and we're gonna roast marshmallows." And she said, "No. Seriously. He said you had to be there." Fine. Geez.


We all drive out to his brother's farm and in the back field is the biggest pile of brush I've ever seen. And they've got a plan. They're going to douse the thing in used paint thinner and then put another 5 gallon bucket of the stuff on the top and then shoot it with a 300 Weatherby to get the party started. They've already called the fire department to ward off any 911 calls they get. I'm not necessarily scared, but that's a serious fire they're planning. Cowgirl's husband is the one dousing the pile and decides that he'll start just a little fire on the bottom with a lighter and then run like hell. KABOOOOOMMMMMM! And he's running up the hill and then KABBBBBAAAAMMMMM! His brother shoots the bucket with the gun he uses to hunt Elk and the thing is like insane! Her husband gets to the top of the hill where all the normal people are sitting to watch, and he is COVERED IN PAINT THINNER. It splattered him when it started and dude! The guy could have burned a horrible death, but he's just laughing.


But here's the best part. His brother ventures down the hill to "check on things" as Cowgirl and her sister in law are shouting something about life insurance policies and he yells, "Kids! Come down here! There's a possum!" And well, the kids run down there because they're INSANE like their fathers. And as Cowgirl is shouting to her 4 year old to "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! DON'T TOUCH IT!" it goes FLYING into the air, spread eagle, it's little paws just flung out. I wish I had a picture. I kid you not. It was that cartoonish insane. His brother had kicked it and as it fell, the little kids were shouting, "DO IT AGAIN! DO IT AGAIN!" And Cowgirl and I were just shaking our heads at the top of the hill as she said, "Welcome to hillbilly central. That is, indeed, my husband. I'm so proud."