The buzzing in my head and the simmering in my body has finally subsided. Everyone breathe a sigh of relief. It was going to be ugly if it didn't quit pretty soon. I couldn't keep my topics straight for Carolyn this morning - jumping from one to the other and then !lightbulb! I just remembered something else. But somehow we managed to sort out the past two weeks and put them in perspective. Even though I didn't see it, there were a lot of things going on that singly could have pushed me over the edge and they must have all converged in alignment to mess with my head all at once to just get it over with. And well? I think it's over. I hope it is at least.
I got some good advice from melissalion yesterday that Carolyn concurred with. (Melissa! You could be a therapist!) Don't read books that make you feel bad about yourself. So there. Women, Sex, and Addiction got slammed shut and put in the freezer at some point on Sunday night. The freezer is where books go to die. It's where the Exorcist is. It can't be on the shelf. The demons might jump out of it and get me. Yes, I believe this, so you just shut up. There are books in my freezer. And that one is going to stay in there until I give it back to it's owner. Because it makes me feel bad. And I'm not bad.
I'm not bad! Do you hear me? I believe that I am not a bad person. But sometimes I forget it. I forget that I'm creative and vibrant. I forget that I'm funny and sassy. I forget that I'm wicked smart and seek deep understanding. I forget that I'm pretty. That my smile lights up a room. I forget that I am a comforter extraordinaire. I forget that I have the light of The Universe shining out of my eyeballs on a regular basis. I forget just how far I've come. And I forget to take just the tiniest bit of credit for that hard work it took to crawl out of that deep, deep abyss.
And most of all, I forget that I'm desirable and a treat to be around and if I focus on loving the life that I lead, I may or may not find someone to love it with. And if I don't? Well then, I guess I will have loved life and that will have to be enough.