I'm not quite sure why I even try to ward it off. I mean, I know when it's coming. Last week was a whole seven days of knowing that The Crazy was waiting for me. I could feel it boiling under the surface. And I kept running from it. One thing I know about being an alcoholic is that I want everything to the extreme. Most of the time, I can temper that by working with other people, meditating; doing things that connect me to The Universe. But sometimes, it's just not enough. I knew I was headed for trouble when Mini Mama accompanied me to the gym to run last Thursday. I told her I was perfectly fine to do it on my own. She said she didn't trust me to not go overboard. I didn't know what she meant until we'd been on the treadmill for 45 minutes and she said, "It's time to stop." Instant Fury. I said, "I'm not done! You can go, but I'm staying." And she said, "Kate, the reason I didn't want you to come here alone, is because I know what you want to do. You want to run until you can't move. Until your body hurts so much that your head shuts up. I know you. And you'll get hurt again and then we'll have to listen to your crazy for another two weeks while you recover. You are done."
Sigh. Why do these people know me so well? But little did she know that I had the Insanity Workout videos at home. Just watching them excites me. Doing them is another whole level of Crazy. Mini Mama is right. Extremes. I want the extreme. Never enough. If I'm going to do something, it doesn't feel good unless it's full bore. I want that high that comes with being irresponsible, out of control and beaten. Walking is no good. Must run. Skiing is no fun unless it's full tilt down the black diamond, knowing that you have no control over falling or stopping. Sex isn't good enough if it isn't insane intensity, connection, and leaves you spent and helpless. More, bigger, better, faster and then let's do it again. I don't know why I'm that way. I just know that I am. And most of the time, I'm on the watch for it. For the things that will hurt me. And I usually know how to express that to someone and allow them to help me ratchet it down a notch.
And I did. I DID ask for help. Sunday morning's meeting just threw me that one last step over the edge. I'm not even sure why. We were talking about how we put ourselves in positions to be hurt and then when we want out of them, we want to blame other people, but really the responsibility is ours. Okay. I have no idea why that meeting left me near tears and wanting to run away from my head. So I went to breakfast. Spend time with people in the program. Yes. That's like insurance against The Crazy. Take a nap, read a book, go for a drive. Take a short (yes, short) run. And when I found myself aimlessly driving again for an hour with a diet coke and a pack of cigarettes, I knew I was on the edge and needed a bit more. So I drove over to Dog Girl and Boy's house and cried for a bit. Talked. Laughed before I left. I was sure I had taken care of it. Nope. A deranged run in the darkness two hours later. Almost tripping at times because I was trying to outrun it. But you can't outrun The Crazy because you bring it with you. And I drove over to Dog Girl's again and sobbed. Sobbed into the dog's coat. Clutching him with every fiber of my being. Listening to Dog Girl's calm voice tell me that I was going to be okay. Just to cry until I was done. And then when I was quiet, a big hug from both of them and the advice to go home and take my sleeping medicine and pray.
Yes. And I did. But I'm still so tired. And The Crazy is still there. I really don't know what it's about. I'm lonely? Okay. I've learned to deal with that. Jealousy? Yes. Most of the time it seems like everyone is happy and in relationships and I so badly want to love again that it hurts. But I also know that I can't settle. I'm incapable of settling. And I have this idea that if I just keep doing the things that I love, spending time with people I enjoy and give to The Universe what I was meant to give, that maybe, just maybe, that person will show up. And it's not happening. And that makes me sad. So very, very sad. And that's the root of The Crazy for today. Sigh. It's never far from me. And I hate that sometimes.