8:58 AM Edit This 13 Comments »
I'm not quite sure why I even try to ward it off. I mean, I know when it's coming. Last week was a whole seven days of knowing that The Crazy was waiting for me. I could feel it boiling under the surface. And I kept running from it. One thing I know about being an alcoholic is that I want everything to the extreme. Most of the time, I can temper that by working with other people, meditating; doing things that connect me to The Universe. But sometimes, it's just not enough. I knew I was headed for trouble when Mini Mama accompanied me to the gym to run last Thursday. I told her I was perfectly fine to do it on my own. She said she didn't trust me to not go overboard. I didn't know what she meant until we'd been on the treadmill for 45 minutes and she said, "It's time to stop." Instant Fury. I said, "I'm not done! You can go, but I'm staying." And she said, "Kate, the reason I didn't want you to come here alone, is because I know what you want to do. You want to run until you can't move. Until your body hurts so much that your head shuts up. I know you. And you'll get hurt again and then we'll have to listen to your crazy for another two weeks while you recover. You are done."
Sigh. Why do these people know me so well? But little did she know that I had the Insanity Workout videos at home. Just watching them excites me. Doing them is another whole level of Crazy. Mini Mama is right. Extremes. I want the extreme. Never enough. If I'm going to do something, it doesn't feel good unless it's full bore. I want that high that comes with being irresponsible, out of control and beaten. Walking is no good. Must run. Skiing is no fun unless it's full tilt down the black diamond, knowing that you have no control over falling or stopping. Sex isn't good enough if it isn't insane intensity, connection, and leaves you spent and helpless. More, bigger, better, faster and then let's do it again. I don't know why I'm that way. I just know that I am. And most of the time, I'm on the watch for it. For the things that will hurt me. And I usually know how to express that to someone and allow them to help me ratchet it down a notch.
And I did. I DID ask for help. Sunday morning's meeting just threw me that one last step over the edge. I'm not even sure why. We were talking about how we put ourselves in positions to be hurt and then when we want out of them, we want to blame other people, but really the responsibility is ours. Okay. I have no idea why that meeting left me near tears and wanting to run away from my head. So I went to breakfast. Spend time with people in the program. Yes. That's like insurance against The Crazy. Take a nap, read a book, go for a drive. Take a short (yes, short) run. And when I found myself aimlessly driving again for an hour with a diet coke and a pack of cigarettes, I knew I was on the edge and needed a bit more. So I drove over to Dog Girl and Boy's house and cried for a bit. Talked. Laughed before I left. I was sure I had taken care of it. Nope. A deranged run in the darkness two hours later. Almost tripping at times because I was trying to outrun it. But you can't outrun The Crazy because you bring it with you. And I drove over to Dog Girl's again and sobbed. Sobbed into the dog's coat. Clutching him with every fiber of my being. Listening to Dog Girl's calm voice tell me that I was going to be okay. Just to cry until I was done. And then when I was quiet, a big hug from both of them and the advice to go home and take my sleeping medicine and pray.
Yes. And I did. But I'm still so tired. And The Crazy is still there. I really don't know what it's about. I'm lonely? Okay. I've learned to deal with that. Jealousy? Yes. Most of the time it seems like everyone is happy and in relationships and I so badly want to love again that it hurts. But I also know that I can't settle. I'm incapable of settling. And I have this idea that if I just keep doing the things that I love, spending time with people I enjoy and give to The Universe what I was meant to give, that maybe, just maybe, that person will show up. And it's not happening. And that makes me sad. So very, very sad. And that's the root of The Crazy for today. Sigh. It's never far from me. And I hate that sometimes.


justme said...

i'm tearing up just reading this. i have The Crazy too and finds me. and it's for the weirdest reasons with no regard for my timing at all.

you should not settle...even finding the "perfect person" doesn't mean full time happiness and you deserve to have the most happiness that you can gather in your life. it will may not happen today, but it will happen.

KT said...

Oh boy I am so sorry that The Crazy came out full force this past weekend.

Not settling is a GOOD thing. I have friends that settled and they are not happy. You have GREAT friends that love you and are there for you. No, it is not the same as a boyfriend but that person will show up some day.


Helen said...

I am POSITIVE that every single person who reads this today, whether they comment or not, will be touched. There's some Crazy in all of us. Hugs and blessings my friend.

Barefoot Neil Z said...

Took me 2 full days this weekend to come down off my Work Crazy (and I mean crazy, I am writing letters to vendors that I can't pay, dealing with government back taxes, and on the edge of closing the company for good)... Wife just let me be my jackoff self work crazy becuase there was no other way to talk me out of my Crazy... It finally broke yesterday morning... On the way home from the race on Saturday night, I nearly stopped off at the Liquor store for a bottle, but made the tough choice not to, as it would have just made things worse... Good choice for me. (I really wanted to party... it's been a long time since I felt that way, I thought it was just the funness of the race, but it was different, I was looking for something I have successfully left behind (or so I thought)... )

My life isn't a ball of Woohoo like the blogs show, but I choose to leave out the Crazy. My blogs aren't the outlet that yours is, but I am happy your is! becuase I woulnd't be able to vent otherwise.

btw. My calves are so sore from my Woohoo race on Sat, that I can barely make it up the stairs... lots of work to do before the half on Sunday...

Anonymous said...

I was thinking about this running thing the other day and wondering about the addiction level to it.

Okay-- here's a total hippie thing, but I really believe love is a magnet. I know, right. I might as well start burning incense. But seriously, these things don't happen in an instant or even in years. Just keep lovin'.

The Good Cook said...

I've learned one thing during my journey of grief: own it.
When I feel sad. I say oh, that's sad. I cry a bit and then I detach from it. I was sad. Move on.
When I feel lonely. I say, I'm lonely right now. I feel lonely, I own the feeling, then I detach from it.

I know it might sound crazy, but allowing myself to feel what I'm feeling, then moving from it has helped me put one foot in front of the other.

I give my feeling its due. I own it. I live it. Then I move on.

Maybe this will help.


Sparkling Red said...

Mainly I'm glad to hear that you have surrounded yourself with loving, supportive people who can hold a light up while you're stumbling in darkness. The Crazy comes and goes, but those friends are there for good.

Kelly Hogaboom said...

I'm sorry you've been having such a hard time. Like others here have observed though, I"m so glad you have these friends with you! I hope that cup is truly bottomless. You are an inspiration at showing us how to accept our human needs and seek out help.

Jen said...

Well, if it's any consolation I'm right there with you, wanting to be in love, be loved and love a great man. Not willing to settle and not wanting to give up, but not happy about not having what I want either. I say we hang in there. I say we keep on going. It will happen, when we're ready. At least that's what I believe these days. HUGS.

Lemon Gloria said...

Oh, Kate, I have The Crazy too, just not as extreme as you. All my close friends have it. The people I seek out invariably have it - they're the interesting ones, the ones with the spark. I know that someone who deserves you, who recognizes how lovely and sparkly you are, is going to come along. You know you can't settle, which means you need someone who just FEELS right, rather than meeting a a checklist of things. He will appear in your life, he just will. It just takes more time to happen than seems fair.

Meigan said...

For some strange reason this post brought me back to HS and all the reasons that I adored you as my friend. I love that you go to extremes on things. And it's really not even everything. There were lots of times I admired your consistency. :-)

Hugs to you babe.

Can do mom said...

Kate, What a brave, raw post. I agree with others who say we all have a little crazy in us. At times we master the crazy and other times it feels like it masters us.

I'm glad you've got friends who support you but I know you want more than just friends. Don't settle. Keep trusting and be patient and keep living the authentic life you are crafting for yourself. I believe that if you will trust and be patient, it will be rewarded!

Hugs to you, my friend. I've never "met" you, but I care and I'm praying for you tonight.

TMC said...

I'm familiar with The Crazy. I'm proud of you for being proactive and doing what you can to avoid a full-on meltdown. Remember that everything is temporary and you'll get through this bout.