I figured I owed you a post tonight to let you know I didn't fall in the hole. Thank you for all your kind words and encouragement. It really does mean a lot to me that you come here and read and then take the time to respond. It is a comfort to me. A real and tangible comfort I am grateful for.
Our session went much like I anticipated. Lots of crying, a fair amount of heaving sobs accompanied by severe shaking, and some really challenging statements. When she stopped handing me kleenexes and tossed over the whole box, I knew I was in for it. I kept telling her that my feelings were just to "big." I didn't know how else to describe it because that's the truth. It's like I have all this emotion and I'm afraid if I start feeling it, I might not be able to stop? I used to feel that way about crying. I never wanted to cry because I thought it might never end. And if you've constantly cried for over a month (I kid you not, I would wake up crying in treatment. How does that even happen?) this is a real fear, yanno? So, she shows me how to let it out in manageable amounts. And frankly, I'm not even sure what emotion it is right now. Anger? Fear? I guess we will figure that out.
I don't even have to look at the clock to know that my 50 minute hour is almost up. She changes the subject and starts asking me what actions I can take in the next week to manage well and then I panic because I haven't said everything I need to say and she reminds me that next week is soon enough and to take what we've shared in this moment and leave the rest for later. That was a seriously long sentence. I'm not allowed to journal per se, so no writing about the specifics. I'm one of those people that sink into my writing and then the emotions get bigger and more unmanageable and then it's all in black and white and staring me in the face. So no real writing. But talking. It's almost like I'm watching the words come out of my mouth and shatter in the air. That's the kind of freedom saying things out loud gives me.
So. My mind is racing less and I no longer have that constant low grade panic I wasn't even aware I was flirting with the last month or so. It didn't subside until about 5 p.m., but its a relief to have it just come in spurts and moments now.
And I'm going back next week. Because that's what I need to do.