The Edge

8:09 PM Edit This 19 Comments »
So, you all have seen this coming, right? I saw it coming and I did my best to ward it off, run away from it, makeitgoaway, sort of thing. But I'm going back to see Carolyn tomorrow. It was a mutual decision between me and a handful of my closest friends. I asked for help, they all know how "off" I've been, and well? I have insurance and I can go back whenever I need to, so why not, right? But I feel like a failure. I know that's a lie, okay? I know this. I won't argue with you over it. But that's how I feel. You don't get to argue feelings.

This new job causes a very new kind of stress for me. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. I'm actually quite good at it and I have the voice and perseverance to be effective. But it's wearing me out in a way I don't recognize. Going to yoga was the first step in figuring out how to take care of myself in this new venture. But going to therapy again? I don't want to, but I know I have to. And the most important thing for me is to stay on track. And I don't feel on track. I feel blindsided by...something? I don't know what that something is, but it's all piling up and I can't sort through it by myself. Look at my March.

My car got sideswiped and even though it's just a car, the hassle set me on edge. Cowgirl is getting a divorce and I freaked out because the farm is no longer hers and my safe place is gone. Plus, I have this irrational fear that I won't get to see the kids anymore. Irrational is the key point there. One of my very first clients has bad cancer. I had coffee with someone who looks just like The Dead Guy on Saturday morning, only with grey hair. I almost puked when I realized it. And a myriad of other things that I can't talk about. It's too much. It's way too much. And I am on the edge of insanity right now. I don't LIKE being on the edge. Or the ledge. Or whatever you want to call it.

I'm not well.

Hence, Carolyn.

And I'm trying my very, very hardest not to feel like a failure because I need her. And that's okay, right? I figure anything that keeps me from falling in the hole is worth every moment, every penny and every strength of will that I have.

Because today? I want to make it. For however long I was content to give up, today I am not willing. I am not.


TMC said...

OF COURSE it's ok, Kate.

clearness said...

The only way you'll fail is if you stop asking for help.

MsDarkstar said...

You feel what you feel. But let me say that I don't think recognizing that you need to reach out is failure. Isn't realizing you need help and asking for it part of the whole process of life?

This new job isn't just a job, it's hitting you on a more molecular/soul level. I've felt it in your posts. You see yourself and The Dead Guy and people you know and love reflected back in the faces of your clients... a very clear example is the guy you had coffee with being a ringer for The Dead Guy... THAT is the Universe being NOT SUBTLE.

In Minnesota, I think it is a law the people who work in counseling HAVE to see a therapist "x" number of times a year, so it's not at all strange that someone who works in a helping profession might need help sorting out their own "stuff" now and then.

You can do this. I have every faith in you. If you need an ear or a hand, let me know. Spring is coming... I've seen it!

Bill said...

Always seek help. We only stay sick and unnerved because we (I) don't allow people to love and care for us.

You have worked hard for your life.

Sarita said...

Kate, I love you. Sometimes I think I hardly know this chick, and yet I care so much. I'm so proud of you for all the ways you take care of yourself. When I need a little reminder on my own dark days, you are one of my great inspirers

Kelly Hogaboom said...

If you went to Carolyn, or someone like her, every day for the rest of your life it wouldn't be a failure. I'm not trying to diminish your feelings or talk you out of them, but I personally admire how much you know how to help yourself as well as others.

I don't know Cowgirl personally but I am shocked and saddened to hear she's getting a divorce. Hang in there, and keep writing.

The Maiden Metallurgist said...

I'm glad you are going.

Shelley said...

Well Kate, look at what you wrote...just ONE of those things that happened in March would be enough to throw anybody, but to have ALL of them hit? I'm impressed that you've gotten out of bed every day! Good for you for recognizing that you need some help getting through this.

Ink Spiller said...

Good God Kate, I read this and I just felt it. I'm just so glad you have that absolute resolve to stay upright.

Funny thing is that I read it at lunch at work, then I broke too and ended up at my doctor's in tears. I'm seeing a psychologist tomorrow - I need to too.

I trying very hard to not feel like a failure too but it's kind of hard right? But see here's a thought Kate:

Failure is the last word I would associate with you so I'm going to hang onto that thought and kind of wangle myself in under that somehow.

I made this comment all about me. Sorry, because really it's all about you. I'm glad you're going back. I'm glad you have the strength and smarts to do that. It's important to me that you do (see I made it about me again :P~).

I guess really I'm trying to tell you that's OK, pit stops are allowed along the way you know.

Barefoot Neil Z said...

Good for you Kate! I'm proud of you. You'll get through this. Hold your head high knowing you are doing the right thing.

Anonymous said...

What everybody else said. All of them. There's no failure in reaching out for help, Kate. Failure would be NOT reaching for help when you need it.

Sparkling Red said...

Thank God for Carolyn, and for your wisdom in reaching out for help when you need it. I can completely relate to wanting so badly to be stronger than one currently is. It's frustrating and disappointing. And yet, there's nothing for it but to pull up your socks, pick up your chin, and bravely push on. This too shall pass.

Helen said...

When I broke up with my therapist she said, "We're not breaking up, we're just ending this chapter. When the time comes that you need to explore another chapter, you call me."

That's all it is Kate, exploring the next chapter. It's going to be good. I just know it.

Anonymous said...

Why is going to see a therapist a failure? Is going to the doctor for check ups a failure? Is taking your car to the mechanic for a tune up a failure?

You're not a failure. You're staying in fighting shape.

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

I think for the average person, we easily hit stages in our life where things are overwhelming. Things feel out of control. And we gain some control by going to therapists. You, my dear, are an extra-special, supremely above average kind of gal. Given your history, I think it's a very natural step to go back to your therapist when you feel life is spiraling out of control. I hope you are on the road to feeling grounded again.

artemisia said...

Of course it is ok! and it is okay that it feels like failure, for now. You will get to that place where you see it wasn't failure at all but glorious, glorious success.

I am so glad you made an appointment.

I am so sorry about Cowgirl. That is hard, hard, hard.

Hang in there, Kate. Be honest with Carolyn and you will find your way.

Cello Mama said...

I have been seeing a therapist. Turns out you can get post-partum crap even after miscarriages, and my anxiety was pretty hellish for awhile. When I called my OB and asked for a referral to a therapist, I totally felt like a failure. After a couple of months, I felt better and cancelled my appointments, only to call her again a week later in crisis. I felt like an even bigger failure.

And now, 6 months or so later I look back and I realize it was SUCH a good thing for me, and true failure would have been to bury what was going on until I was no good to myself or anyone else. I needed what I needed, and it helped me get back on track.

Chin up, girlie. We all need help sometimes.

Jen said...

And make it you will Kate. Going back for help is the way to go. I get it though, the sense of failure, but that too will go away. You keep on going, keep on getting better and you will make it.

The Good Cook said...

Hey, I'm catching up on everything so this comment is late. You know this but it bears repeating,

"Therapy is a courageous commitment to one's own future".

You know this, so congrat's on heading back to Carolyn and making that commitment to yourself.