So, you all have seen this coming, right? I saw it coming and I did my best to ward it off, run away from it, makeitgoaway, sort of thing. But I'm going back to see Carolyn tomorrow. It was a mutual decision between me and a handful of my closest friends. I asked for help, they all know how "off" I've been, and well? I have insurance and I can go back whenever I need to, so why not, right? But I feel like a failure. I know that's a lie, okay? I know this. I won't argue with you over it. But that's how I feel. You don't get to argue feelings.
This new job causes a very new kind of stress for me. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. I'm actually quite good at it and I have the voice and perseverance to be effective. But it's wearing me out in a way I don't recognize. Going to yoga was the first step in figuring out how to take care of myself in this new venture. But going to therapy again? I don't want to, but I know I have to. And the most important thing for me is to stay on track. And I don't feel on track. I feel blindsided by...something? I don't know what that something is, but it's all piling up and I can't sort through it by myself. Look at my March.
My car got sideswiped and even though it's just a car, the hassle set me on edge. Cowgirl is getting a divorce and I freaked out because the farm is no longer hers and my safe place is gone. Plus, I have this irrational fear that I won't get to see the kids anymore. Irrational is the key point there. One of my very first clients has bad cancer. I had coffee with someone who looks just like The Dead Guy on Saturday morning, only with grey hair. I almost puked when I realized it. And a myriad of other things that I can't talk about. It's too much. It's way too much. And I am on the edge of insanity right now. I don't LIKE being on the edge. Or the ledge. Or whatever you want to call it.
I'm not well.
And I'm trying my very, very hardest not to feel like a failure because I need her. And that's okay, right? I figure anything that keeps me from falling in the hole is worth every moment, every penny and every strength of will that I have.
Because today? I want to make it. For however long I was content to give up, today I am not willing. I am not.