Oh dear Internet, how I miss thee...
I love my new job. I am ON from the minute I step in there until the moment I get home. Add in going to meetings, meeting with women I'm working with, trying desperately to do laundry, pay bills and pet the cats, my life is busy. And I'm mostly content. I find myself at a loss sometimes on weekends when it gets quiet, but then I remind myself to enjoy it.
Also, I signed up for a class that will help me get my licensure. (Why does that word look wrong?) That's kind of exciting, right? Except it is a week long class in ethics. Two people have told me that they really enjoyed it, but ethics? Sounds really dry to me. I am hoping to be amazed. I only need three classes to test for my license and this is the first one. How about a round of applause for New Life?
Things with Carolyn are going well. I'm really glad I went back. We are discussing my latent anger. I don't think of myself as an angry person. Ever. I've been told that I am a seething ball of rage, I just don't know it yet. I have flashes of intense rage at times, but I'm super good at just pushing them down into that black hole I call denial. You know how I always joke about stabbing myself in the neck with a fork? Well, I got called on the carpet this morning. Because I like violence. I like the UFC fights and if there's not enough blood, I'm very disappointed. I like hockey, but if there's no checking, fights or brawls, I am disgusted. On more occasions than I'd like to admit, I want to pull people's hair and scratch their faces. Repressed anger? What are you talking about?
I don't know anger. I don't know how to identify it. I don't know how to do it. I don't feel safe when I feel angry. So I just cry. I feel helpless when I get angry. And helpless=crying. And I HATE IT. But how do you "do" angry and be okay? That, is the question that we are trying to answer for me these days. I'm afraid if I get angry, something terrible will happen. I used to be afraid if I started crying, I'd never stop. I'm over that. But now I'm afraid that if I allow myself to be angry, my whole world will collapse in a heap of disaster.
And that would be why I'm still in therapy after 10 years.