Therapy Tuesday

9:29 PM Edit This 9 Comments »
Oh dear Internet, how I miss thee...

I love my new job. I am ON from the minute I step in there until the moment I get home. Add in going to meetings, meeting with women I'm working with, trying desperately to do laundry, pay bills and pet the cats, my life is busy. And I'm mostly content. I find myself at a loss sometimes on weekends when it gets quiet, but then I remind myself to enjoy it.

Also, I signed up for a class that will help me get my licensure. (Why does that word look wrong?) That's kind of exciting, right? Except it is a week long class in ethics. Two people have told me that they really enjoyed it, but ethics? Sounds really dry to me. I am hoping to be amazed. I only need three classes to test for my license and this is the first one. How about a round of applause for New Life?

Things with Carolyn are going well. I'm really glad I went back. We are discussing my latent anger. I don't think of myself as an angry person. Ever. I've been told that I am a seething ball of rage, I just don't know it yet. I have flashes of intense rage at times, but I'm super good at just pushing them down into that black hole I call denial. You know how I always joke about stabbing myself in the neck with a fork? Well, I got called on the carpet this morning. Because I like violence. I like the UFC fights and if there's not enough blood, I'm very disappointed. I like hockey, but if there's no checking, fights or brawls, I am disgusted. On more occasions than I'd like to admit, I want to pull people's hair and scratch their faces. Repressed anger? What are you talking about?

I don't know anger. I don't know how to identify it. I don't know how to do it. I don't feel safe when I feel angry. So I just cry. I feel helpless when I get angry. And helpless=crying. And I HATE IT. But how do you "do" angry and be okay? That, is the question that we are trying to answer for me these days. I'm afraid if I get angry, something terrible will happen. I used to be afraid if I started crying, I'd never stop. I'm over that. But now I'm afraid that if I allow myself to be angry, my whole world will collapse in a heap of disaster.

And that would be why I'm still in therapy after 10 years.

9 comments:

TMC said...

There's no finish line when it comes to mental health! We do what we need to do to feel better and get on with life. Don't be so hard on yourself. :)

Sue Ellen Mishkey said...

Sometimes I want to bop people in the head with wine bottles when I'm at work. I don't know what *that* means, but you're not alone.

Does that help? Probably not.

G said...

Licensure candidate is what you're called when you're going for your license to become a full fledged clinical social worker.

Usually means an increase in pay once you've become fully licensed.

Good luck to you onj all fronts.

melissalion said...

I think ethics sounds super cool. I like reading that column the ethical ethicist. I can't remember what it's called. I think after your ethics class, you should take ethics questions. Like: I live in a city full of slow drivers. I often cut them off to take a parking space. They don't seem to be put out, so it's cool right?

Lemon Gloria said...

TMC is right about no finish line.

I used to carry a lot of rage around with me and I had no idea. I was most definitely not encouraged to get angry - so unladylike! - and so I didn't know how to recognize it. But I was just so angry. I think realizing that you are, even if you can't identify it, is huge. It will start to dissipate now that you know that it is there. And you'll learn how to go ahead and be angry, and then you won't be carrying such a heavy load.

At least, that's how it went with me.

MsDarkstar said...

I had no clue I was an angry person until a fellow blogger commented on it. Me? Angry? Really?

What I do sometimes is put 3 or 4 glass bottles in a couple of bags and then break them. There is something VERY cathartic about the sound of breaking glass for me. You put them in the bag so that you don't get cut up when they break and the mess is contained.

Ethics is actually quite fascinating and not as black and white as you might think.

Shelley said...

I miss you but I'm glad you are taking the time for yourself, at least on the weekend. What a busy woman you are - but how wonderful that you are enjoying your new job!

Anger sounds like a pretty normal feeling considering all that you've been through. Exploring is has got to be intense though.

Kristina said...

Ugh! Sometimes I think they're using parts of the same script for our lives! LOL!

Anger is a hard one. The rage is scary. Learning to be angry and not lashing out is where I'd like to get to.

Jen said...

A round of applause coming from me! Clap, clap, clap!