The Dig

10:11 PM Edit This 6 Comments »
Things have been very topsy turvy in New Life Land these last couple of months. I went back to Carolyn. In fact, I see her tomorrow. I'm terrified, but willing. That is the phrase I am hanging on to at the moment. I found this journal, you see. And I read it. And I have absolutely no recollection of writing it or living it. But it's there in black and white. My hand writing. I recognize that hand writing, but I don't recollect writing it.

I have been banned from my journals for many years now. They do me no good but to fuel the fire of misunderstanding and want for The Dead Guy. But this one? I don't remember it. I was terrified of him. Most every day, I was. So scared of waking up to someone I didn't recognize anymore. But I don't remember it. Not one bit. And yet, there it is. And what do I do with that? So, I go to Carolyn. Because she's good at helping me remember. And I have no idea what kind of hurt that is going to bring. I have no idea what it is that I so don't want to remember. But it's there. And it's scary.

And I'm frightened. So, I call and I cry and I ask for help. Like I know how to do now. I request that people hold my hand. I ask for someone to rub my back. And I hope for the willingness that it takes to uncover whatever it is that I don't remember. Because I have this feeling that this is the end. The end of the hurt. The end of the pain. The very end of the unknown. And I wish I could be mad at him, but I'm not. I'm just so very sad. As usual. Sad. That he had to live his life as a lie and he sucked me into it so much that I don't even remember it. And now I do the hard work of excavation to make it real and whole and a part of my working mind.


Helen said...

Perhaps on the other side of all this, your New Life really is waiting!

artemisia said...

You are so brave. And I would be happy to hold your hand, rub your back, and try crazy recipes with you along the way.

Keep going! KEEP GOING!

Sue Ellen Mishkey said...

Helen said what I wanted to say, but better than I would have. Keep treading water, Kate. That's all anyone can do.

GreenCanary said...

Our minds try so hard to protect our hearts... There is so much of my life that I don't remember; it's simply gone from memory as if it didn't happen. I may never remember the details of those years, but I recognize the symptoms of those years' hurts in my life today. When details come to light, Kate, look at them hard but remember that they don't have power over you anymore. YOU are powerful, not them, and you will decide how those forgotten hurts will shape the woman you are today. I have faith in you, and know that you will be stronger and even more amazing for the work. Hang in there, sweetcheeks. You're almost there.

The Good Cook said...

You and Carolyn are like archeologists; excavating the memories.

I miss you Kate. I am having a rough time of things. Blessings to us both as we dig out of the memories.


Inaminute said...

I don't know you, but have to say, your postings help me feel more a part of things as I struggle with my own therapy.
For what its worth, I think my refuge, like your garden, is in painting watercolors. It helps get me to a place where I can hold on to myself and go back to my therapist with my brave self when I don't want to.
a fan