Therapy Tuesday

7:10 AM Edit This 11 Comments »
Sitting at my favorite coffee shop, reading blogs. Yes. I am reading your blogs. Because I miss you.

No matter how transparent I am on my blog, I can't write about Therapy Tuesday. I am discovering things that I simply don't believe, can't wrap my head around, and fill me with utter dread. Terrified but willing. I will continue to remind myself of my willingness when my courage falters.

The Fertile Crescent is planted. Tomatoes, peppers, cucumbers, beets, snap peas, radishes. I have seeds for three kinds of squash, green beans and chives. The oregano and lavender did not survive the winter. I'm going to explore some different herbs this year. Any suggestions? I'm thinking chamomile. It's supposed to be soothing, right? And I need some soothing.

When I told Carolyn about the journal, her immediate question was whether or not my garden was in. Because she knows. It's the number one thing that helps me regroup, calm my anxiety and process my day. Standing in the dirt, watering the tomatoes, plucking a few weeds. The therapeutic value of that is worth more than the money I pay Carolyn to conjure up these painful memories and make them a working part of my history.

So when Gay Janitor showed me that the hose actually reaches the backyard this year, I thanked him but said I wasn't going to use it. Weird, huh? But that's part of the ritual that calms. Going back and forth to the spigot with the watering can. Standing there, waiting for it to fill and sloshing it back to the garden. Forces me to slow down.

That's where I'm going to be, my friends. In the garden. Every night. Until those blank spots are filled for good or for worse. And then I'm going to keep standing at the spigot, making those memories a part of my soul.

11 comments:

justme said...

you are getting through it all and that is what matters. thinking of you and hoping all the best in the world for you

melissalion said...

Gardening = therapy. Swimming = therapy (for me). Good things to make a habit, but they're often the first things to get set aside when life gets too busy. Good for you for knowing what you need and that ritual and going slow needs to be included.

artemisia said...

Ya for therapeutic tomatoes!

Shelley said...

It's perfectly ok to not share every last detail of your life on the blog. I'm just glad you are moving through the process with Carolyn. Love that she understands what makes you tick.

Looking forward to seeing your garden, the nifty trellises you come up with, and your bounty of beautiful food soon. :)

Bill said...

My beautiful wife is a proponent of "dirt therapy" as well.

Just do the work. Everything else will find it's place in the universe. Including you.

KT said...

Yay garden! We planted a bunch of seeds and are just waiting for things to sprout. Love it!

Malaise Inc said...

You think you will break, but you will mend.

Sue Ellen Mishkey said...

My vote is for basil. It smells and tastes so good!

GreenCanary said...

Damn girl, we are channeling eachother. I played hookie from work after therapy yesterday. You know how I spent the rest of the day? Gardening. Six hours, gardening. And it really does help.

G said...

I admire you very much.

GreenCanary said...

My garden is in the backyard and the water spigot doesn't work there. The rain barrel isn't in yet, so I've had to water my vegetables using water from the washing machine in the basement. I have to admit that I really enjoy doing it this way. I turn the old washer on, shove a bucket under the water, and then pull the knob to stall the cycle. I slosh up the stairs and out to the yard, where I scoop water with my hands. Back and forth, hands in water, water on plants. And when everyone has had their fill of water, I do a load of laundry with the rest of the cycle on the machine. I love the process. It's simple. It begins and it ends. It has purpose. I wish my life were as straightforward as watering my garden using the washing machine.