Happy Feet Friday

9:27 PM Edit This 16 Comments »
Sigh. I even hesitate to write tonight. It's been a very trying week. It's gone from bad to worse and I am hanging on by a thread. I'm going to make it though. I am. If anything, I am a survivor. My head is not okay, my body is not okay, my emotions are totally out of whack, and I'm just plain tired.

I'm doing all the right things. I keep telling myself that. This is February's meltdown come May. And it feels way more extreme than any meltdown I have experienced since I got sober. I've had some really hard times in sobriety, but this one? It's winning. And I don't want it to win.

I am not going into detail, but Saturday, I had to go to the ER and I've since been diagnosed with peri-menopause. At 38. I know that my drinking messed up my hormones. Bad. I've had night sweats and hot flashes since my late 20s. The "feel-good" hormones in my brain have been broken for a long, long time. I take antidepressants reluctantly, but I do. Because if I have another major depressive episode, I know that I will drink again. And to drink is to die for me. So, I do what I am told and swallow those little pink pills every morning, hoping for the best.

But the early menopause thing? I googled it. And everything on the Internet is true, right? Ha! I lost all hope of a baby. I went down that black hole of regret and shame. I've been praying (whatever praying is for me anymore) that The Universe would see fit to make me a mother, with the caveat that The Universe knows what it is doing and should it NOT see fit, that I would gain the necessary acceptance to move on and foster new dreams. But in my heart? I didn't want the caveat and I didn't mean it. I don't mean it. Not one bit.

But now? My body is revolting. And I have to sincerely come to terms with the fact that it may never happen. And it's killing me inside. I have been urged by Carolyn to call my psychiatrist for months now. And today was the day. Last night's pain and confusion scared me enough to take action.

This is not going away. And when the nurse started to question me, I lost it. Totally lost it. She asked me what was going on and I spilled it. Cowgirl's divorce and not seeing the munchkins anymore. I love my new job and I don't actively go home and worry about clients, but the days someone breaks down in my office? I fall apart later because I relate. The Jason look-alike brought all kinds of shit into my brain that I don't want to think about. Miss M is in grad school and I never see her anymore. I found that stupid journal that I don't remember writing. The seasons are changing. My body is messed up beyond belief? I'm not okay.

So. I did what I've been told to do. I make the phone calls. I humble myself enough to say that I can't do it on my own. And I take the right actions, whether I want to or not. I'm not proud of where I am today, but I'm proud of the actions I am taking. It took some convincing by Chakra Queen at lunch today, but I did it. Because I AM a survivor. I WILL manage this. Not react to it, but manage it.

16 comments:

Sarita said...

I have nothing helpful to say except, once again, I love you and I'm so proud of how strong you are. Especially in your weakest moments, when you know to reach out for help. I learn a lot from you.

Captain Crab said...

I think a visit from the Crab is in order

KT said...

Oh Kate I'm so sorry that everything is coming to a head all at the same time. Life is definitely testing you- but you will survive. Try to relax and enjoy the weekend.

The Good Cook said...

I'm proud of you for taking the steps you need to take in managing this. I know I said this before but it bears repeating:
"Therapy is a courageous commitment to your own future".
Now about that peri-menapause thing. I started that in my late 20's, into my thirties. Ask my children how they feel about that? All born AFTER the diagnosis Kate. Fertility can happen at any time and if not by nature, by science. Hang in there.

carrster said...

Kate, I'm thinking of you & sending you my best vibes. I agree with Sarita - you are incredibly strong & teach me many many things as well. I love you & am always just a phone call away.

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

I've been quiet lately - caught up in my own world. We all go there from time to time, don't we? I'm thinking of you ... cheering for you ... wanting you to find a new balance that works for you.

Summer said...

I'm so sorry, Honey.

melissalion said...

I'm reading the book "This is not the Story You Think it Is." I might lend it to you when I'm finished.

You are doing the right thing. Yes, you are.

XXOOOO

Jeff D'Antonio said...

I wish I had some magical words of wisdom for you, but we both know it's not that simple.

So I'll just tell you that I care, and that I'm thinking of you.

artemisia said...

You do not have, nor should you, do this alone.

You did not fall apart (earlier) on your own; everyone in your life had a role in that, somehow. You are not an island, Miss Kate!

Choose to fill your life with the people that will help you now.

You are doing the right thing.

Lemon Gloria said...

Ohhh, Kate, I'm so very sorry. This makes me so sad. I know how much it pains you. You are strong - I'm sure you're sick of being told this and sick of having to be strong. You're not alone; you have so many people who love you and support you. You made a huge step and I'm so proud of you. It's very hard.

RichardC said...

Kate I agree with Sarita as well, You are ever so strong.

Can do mom said...

Kate, you have been strong for what probably seems like forever. Sometimes life brings us through valleys that seem deep and unending.

I think I told you that I went through menopause at an early age because of ovarian cancer. I was 34 and had no idea until I woke up from surgery and I had had a radical hysterectomy. I like to research things to death and felt like I'd been hit over the head with a sledgehammer! Thankfully, 11 years later, I'm still here. Is the doctor absolutely certain about your diagnosis? If so, I'd find a homeopathic MD who will prescibe bioidentical hormones for you. They've worked well for me.

I am praying for a ray of sunshine for you and that tomorrow will be a better/brighter day.

Shelley said...

Oh sweets, to have the hormone thing on top of everything else you are dealing with is just unfair. I'm so glad you are willing to get help. So glad. Hugs.

Sparkling Red said...

I wish you all the best. Big courage! I know you have it in you.

Tauheed Sohail said...

Lol and Funny, Troll Images, Prank Peoples, Funny Peoples, funny planet, funny facts, funny cartoons, funny movies pics, iphone funny, funny jokes, Prank Images, Fail Pictures, Epic Pictures, Lols and Gags, Lol Pictures, Funny Pictures, Lol is the Laugh out of Laugh where you can Fun Unlimited and Laughing Unlimited.
lolsgag.com