For the first time in I don't know how many times, my whole family was together for the holiday. Albeit last weekend, we were all there, brother, sister in law (with baby to be) and Baby Z, my sister and her new husband and the matriarch, Grammie. We all met at my mom and dad's house which is now the peak of the Bermuda Triangle in which we all live. I go east. My sister goes west. My brother and grandma go north.
Thinking about Thanksgivings past these days... Six years ago, The Dead Guy and I pulled up to his Aunt Jane's and simultaneously reached under our seats. His, rum. Mine, vodka. And we laughed because neither of us knew the other had anything. So, we toasted and swigged and staggered in. Five years ago, I was at my Recovery Mom's house, thinking to myself that if I would just ask her to spend the night, maybe I'd get one night sober. Thanksgiving since then? Rocky at best, but getting better every year. And this year? Waking up to a smiling little boy who finally knows how to say my name? KaTe. Special emphasis on the T. Brought tears to my eyes as we ate toast together. Life is good. Mostly.
I work on staying positive most days. I am overwhelmed by work at times. It keeps me from writing, which is my number one solace. But I love what I do. I love watching lightbulbs go off. And frankly? I love kicking people out of my office when they are being belligerent and clutching to denial. Usually they come back and tell me how mad they are at me, but that they've been thinking all day.
Which is my job. To make people think.
So, I do the same hard work. I think. Thanksgiving through my birthday in January is the hardest time of year for me. The memories of The Dead Guy's last days. The reminders of how I was struggling to get sober a year later. Life is so different today. Amazingly so. I'm sitting in Tiny Apartment, listening to the reverberations of the stereo upstairs. Gay Janitor was kind of sad yesterday and I suggested that he borrow some Christmas CDs. He is enjoying them as we speak. And I may or may not be considering what it might mean to dream a little tonight. It's been quite a while.