The End

8:34 PM Edit This 9 Comments »
Yesterday, I found out that someone I went to Tallgrass with died over the weekend. An overdose/drunken death. I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. On the one hand, I am very, very sad that he didn't "get it." On the other hand, I know that he was given exactly what I was given and didn't/couldn't get it in the end.

People who have been around recovery awhile are sad, but seem to take it in stride. "It's another one in the string of deaths of the people we come to know and love in the program." It seemed a little hard-hearted, but I think I sort of get it.

I was so angry at recovery people when Jason died. I had visions of people from the club coming to knock on his door and knock some sense into his head. How come they didn't come after him when he was dying? You know? And yet, after a year in the program, I understand. If you don't want it, there's no sense in trying to get someone to want it. It says in the Doctor's Opinion that "You people are too heartbreaking, we wouldn't take you as patients if we could help it." I'm beginning to see the truth in that. Slowly, maybe angrily a little, but I'm getting my head wrapped around it to some extent.

I wanted it. Unlike others that come in the program, I wasn't afraid to die. In fact, I wanted to die. I just couldn't seem to get the job done and it showed no signs of happening any time soon. I was afraid to live. So if I had to live, I had to figure out a way to do it without being quite so miserable. I had to be desperate enough to try it someone else's way, and that's how you get better. And I AM better today. I get to be someone else's rock in this program today. A year ago, I might have fallen off the deep end with this news. Today, I just pray for his family and for understanding and hope for the alcoholic who is still drinking and slowly, ever so slowly - dying.

9 comments:

-Peder said...

That's very sad, but I think you're right.

Meigan said...

I'm sorry to hear this, but Kate you're as wise as you've ever been. That's crazy about what the doctors say but man, I think I know what they mean.

On a much, much, much lighter note - this post reminds me of Weight Watchers! I feel like one of the fat ladies in the back row that go every week but just don't "get it"!!! Maybe you can inspire me to stay on program! :-)

Kate said...

Oh Meigan, you're NOT the fat lady that doesn't get it! You're training for a triathalon for God's sake! Do you know how many people think they're going to lose weight by sitting on their couch? No joke. You're doing better than you think you are!

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

Beautifully written and inspirational.

Your experience has given you wisdom.

Ali said...

what a beautifully written post.

i cannot even imagine!

carrster said...

Wow - what a story. That is very sad. I'm glad that you GOT IT. And now are stronger than ever.

GreenCanary said...

The message of this post carries over into so many other areas of life... And you've made me stop and think. Seriously.

Holly said...

i'm glad you got it too, my dear. And glad that even though you are miles away you are somehow still a part of my circle.

Kelly said...

Kate, I'm really sorry about your friend. I think it's amazing that you are strong and sober. I come from a long line of Irish drunks, and I know how insidious the disease can be.