It's Not Monday, but it SURE feels like it!

2:54 PM Edit This 3 Comments »
Wow! It was hard to get up this morning. But it's really Therapy Tuesday, so I had to rise and shine quite early in the cloudy, misty morning. Phht.

Interesting weekend, to say the least. Camping with Tami - rained and rained Friday night and cloudy and cold Saturday morning. Then - surprise - the sun came out and fried the everliving shit out of my skin! I forget about the cloudy days burning you more than you think, but I slathered that stupid sunscreen on as soon as the sun came out, and I'm still red/shades of red/white blisters in some areas. Dr. Plastic Surgeon that I work for gave me quite the lecture about skin cancer this morning, then he looked at my blisters and suggested cold compresses soaked in lemon juice.

When I planned this camping trip, I was aware that I was going with Tami's family and their friends, and that there was probably going to be lots and lots of drinking. I've been with Tami before, no big deal. They drink, but they're not drunks. These other people? Drunks. Horrible drunks - letting their three and five year olds drink their beer and thinking it's funny. Falling down, not remembering things, getting hurt and laughing - that whole scene. I've never felt so alone in a crowd. So alone in fact, that taking a few drinks to "feel more comfortable" actually crossed my mind and led to a frantic 30 second rampage through the camper looking for the vodka.

Now, I'm not proud of this. But I'm not ashamed either. I'm a human being and I put myself in a situation that I couldn't really get out of (Tami's husband hadn't come with my car yet,) and really didn't prepare myself very well for facing this kind of thing - in fact, I just shrugged it off and said it wouldn't be a big deal. Well, it IS a big deal. I only have one year of sobriety - I'm NOT all that and a bag of chips when it comes to working the damn AA program and that's that. However, I'm not sorry I had this experience. Taught me a lot; I know what to avoid and do differently next time, and it reminded me just how precious my sober life is.

Driving home on Sunday afternoon, all I could think of was the bonfire they were going to have at Tallgrass that night - and how vastly different that bonfire was going to be from the one I sat at the night before. And it was. The gratitude I feel for my friends in recovery is overwhelming at times, and this was one of those times. What a gift it is to share that common bond. I hope I never forget it.


Shania said...

Sounds like a great time, all in all. The sunburn sucks, though.

GreenCanary said...

I'm both sorry and not sorry that you were tempted. Sorry because those moments of terror suck, but not sorry because those moments of terror teach us more than anything else could. Good for you, Kate. You're pretty awesome.

E said...

Sometimes we don't get what we want, but we do get what we need.
You did it. Only a year and you got through this with nothing but a little worry and annoyance. You are brave and stronger than you think.
Nice work....