Not One Bit.

7:46 PM Edit This 17 Comments »
My pleasant Sunday night activites were disrupted by tears and not a little bit of self-pity. Sunday nights are mine I tell you. Mine! To regroup. To cook. To clean Tiny Apartment. And to relax. Mr. Internet disappeared over the weekend, after making promises to go to church together on Saturday night. Granted, he called and told me on Friday night that he'd changed his plans, but I wasn't happy about that to begin with. He called tonight to tell me he was home and asked what I was cooking for the week. Um, awesome ground turkey meatloaf with a provolone cheese sauce layer and roasted cauliflower and he said he'd get his laundry started and be over in about an hour. An hour and a half later, he calls and he's too tired to come over.

No matter what I tried to steel myself against, I don't like this one bit and I'm completely reduced to tears. Tears I had absolutely no intentions of ever shedding over this first foray into the dating world. Why can't I get my heart to shut off? Why do I have to feel so much about everything all the time?

This is an utter rejection in my mind. Tells me I'm undesirable. Tells me once again, that I'm not worth pursuing, or pleasing, or going the extra mile for. Tells me to pack my bags and give up on the dating world. For an instant I know these are lies. Lies that my head tells me, but my life situations keep perpetuating. And the next instant, I just want to curl into a ball and crawl into bed and pretend I don't exist. Or that I didn't even try.

But I did. And I'm not sure I'm up to the hurt. I think perhaps I'd rather be alone than feel this rejection over and over as I try. Trying is not what it's cracked up to be today. Not one bit.

17 comments:

carrster said...

Oh Kate. That sucks. I'm so annoyed by people who pretend they're putting forth the effort but AREN'T REALLy. Come one. Hmph. I hope you ate the whole pan of meatloaf yourself.

You ARE NOT undesirable. NOT at all. Unfortunately your foray back into the dating world paired you up with this guy - no worries, there are more fish in the sea and if this guy isn't worthy, then maybe the next one will be. Hang in there. You're beautiful, funny, sweet, thoughtful and very caring. The right one is out there. (((((hugs)))))))))

LiLu said...

I have it on great authority that he snores, pees the bed, and runs a kiddie porn ring on the weekends. Good riddance!

;-)

melissalion said...

It's okay. You're good and wonderful. Moving right along.

Malaise Inc said...

Meh. This guy only came around when it suited his needs. Your better off without. Change the third date rule to the thirteenth (or thirtieth) date rule and you'll find a better class of guys.

BrianAlt said...

It really is possible that the timing isn't right.

Do what's right for YOU, not for someone else.

It's okay to be selfish sometimes and this is one time.

Holly said...

amen malaise and brianalt (and all others above). he's not worth it. i understand the analysis paralysis of our minds when shit like this goes down but believe me. he's not worth those tears.

saratogajean said...

I hate it when I give guys the power to make me feel so crappy about myself.

I know we're only bloggy friends, but you deserve someone who'll come running when you call, delicious turkey meatloaf or no.

P.S. Will you be posting that recipe? Because it sounds awesome...

brookem said...

aw, i am so sorry. you absolutely deserve someone who will make you feel any of this angst. hang in there lady.

E said...

Look it tells you nothing about you and everything about him. it tells me that he is self absorbed rude and inconsiderate.
Only you can give him the power to make you feel unworthy and undesirable.
I tell my daughter and her friends this.....If you wanted a prom dress in a pink frothy lacy concoction in a six six, you wouldn't go to the store and find the perfect dress, only it was a size 2, and the lace was ideal except the whole thing was brown, and then take it home and hang it in your closet and expect it to change, would you?
Of course not. So don't do it with men either.
This guy is a brown dress several sizes too small honey....

You need to go shopping!

lacochran said...

It's funny how people can push all our worst buttons. Who knows what the real story was with him (versus the one in our heads) but he certainly could have behaved better. Eff 'em. And by that I mean don't.

Kristen said...

HE is the one who's not worth anything here.

You are lovely.

Keep trying sweetie. You just kissed a frog this time is all.

Christian said...

Go back and read the comments from your Bombshells and Blondes post.

Sweetly Single said...

Sweetie - you can do the dating thing... you just picked out someone who is dealing with stuff that you shouldn't even be seeing or feeling.... they aren't all like this.

You can do this!! Mr.Perfect is out there

GreenCanary said...

Oh, my little Katie-Kate, you are SO worth it. In fact, I'd fly to South Dakota right now and stalk your sweet ass if I wasn't so damn broke at the moment.

Mr. Internet screwed this up royally and, sadly, he did because he's caught up in his own mental drama. His emotional problems are clouding his judgment and he's acting selfishly. To call you up and say he's coming over and then to call you AFTER he's already supposed to be there... Tasteless. Selfish.

You may choose to give up on HIM, but don't give up on everyone. Dating sucks, but it can also be awesome. Just know that it's not you... He's putting his issues on you. Don't internalize them and accept them as your own.

Malaise Inc said...

Canary: I'd fly to South Dakota right now and stalk your sweet ass

HAWT!!!

Matt said...

Guys are just fucking stupid.

Trust me, I know.

rudecactus said...

I'm sorry. Matt is right. Guys are stupid. I'm sorry on our behalf.