7:38 AM Edit This 12 Comments »
I wanted things to be "better" this December. I wanted to put more of the past behind me. I wanted to be able to listen to Christmas music and not have my heart ripped out. I wanted to put up my lights and see joy in them instead of death. I wanted to wake up and think, "Yes!"

Instead, I wake up and I'm already crying. There's already an ache in my heart so big that the Grand Canyon's got nothin' on. When does the pain stop and the living just happen? There's already a disdain of anything joyous for the season. I don't miss Jason so much as I think I might hate him this year.

Oh my God. I can't believe I typed that.

12 comments:

saratogajean said...

But you won at Monopoly!

Nilsa said...

You pose a difficult scenario. And that is, when does the grieving end? I think people go through different stages of grief and it takes people different amounts of time to achieve full closure. One year you were sad. The next year you're mad. Don't deny yourself the feelings. Get it all out there. Stomp it into the ground. And keep moving forward. You've already come such a long way, baby!

carrster said...

Oh Chicalita...I think you are making progress farther than the eye can see...and when it's time you'll see it/feel it/live it too. Hang in there. There is JOY this holiday season! You're going to be an AUNTIE!!!!! That is awesome. And you have a huge wonderful extended family (us!) that love you.

Matt said...

All I can say is, I know how you feel.

GreenCanary said...

Having good things in your life doesn't necessarily cancel out the bad, no matter how much we pretend that it does. You can be thankful for the becoming an aunt, for being alive and being amazing, for all of the awesome things in your life... AND STILL BE MAD AT JASON. And that's okay. Don't beat yourself up, small fry. Having bad in your life doesn't mean there isn't good. There is room for both.

BrianAlt said...

Actually, it sounds like the healing is beginning!

Kristen said...

It's okay to hate him. It's all part of the process.

You're going to feel better one day and it will all be okay.

I promise you.

Malaise Inc said...

I really don't have anything profound to say except that you don't need to wait for the living to start. You are already living, it is just you are living with a painful memory. But the hold that memory has over you has lessened over the time that I have read your blog. It will continue to diminish in the future and leave more room for enjoying the good things in your life.

For now, just put one foot in front of the other.

MsDarkstar said...

Pain (and joy and happiness and all of the rest of it) is ALL a part of living, hon.

But, having read all of your journal entries, I am thinking that the current pain is a side effect of personal growth. You are opening yourself to love again and having some new experiences.

Don't fear the pain... without it, you won't have the joy and all of the other stuff of life. As someone else said... one foot in front of the other...

CatKrny said...

Since you typed it, it probably bears repeating during Therapy Tuesday.

LBluca77 said...

I know how you feel. I have been there. But I do think when you hit the hate stage I think you are starting to heal. Doesn't seem like that makes sense, but it does.

It will get better. I promise.

LiLu said...

It's always better to admit how you're ACTUALLY feeling... and it takes a brave person to do that. Good for you... you WILL make it through this. Although it's cliche, saying things like that out loud and admitting them (or on the interwebs, anyway) do actually help to heal them, I think.