Resentment Never Ends
9:02 AM Edit This 9 Comments »
So, I've been trying to find a church service to go to on Christmas Eve. All those years I worked for the church, I had to go where they paid me. It wouldn't look good for the paid staff to go somewhere else, you know. The year that I quit the church, I went with Jason's dad for awhile. The pastor there had done Jason's funeral so there was a connection there that I held onto for no good reason for a couple of months. Last year, I went to visit my mom and dad for Christmas, so I went where they go. Off and on, I've gone to worship with friends, but there certainly is not a place I would call my church home. And I don't really want one. Look at all the resentments I've built up in the four years I've been here.
Peace Lutheran. They fired me when they found out I had a drinking problem. (Imagine that. Ha!) I will not set foot in there - the shame and the anger still burn brightly in my heart.
Good News Deformed. Jason's dad's church. They had a Thanksgiving worship service once where you wrote on a post-it note what you were really thankful for. The next Sunday? He read some of them aloud. Totally anonymous, but one of them was mine and I was horrified and disgusted at the same time. I never went back.
St. Michael's Parish. I love St. Michael's. In fact, if there was a place I'd go - it's there, but psycho ex- roommate goes there and running into her on Christmas Eve would ruin it for me for sure.
Celebrate. I enjoy worship there if I close my eyes and don't look at the ego maniac pastor and the woman that leads the songs. It's like going to a rock concert or something. I want to sing along, I'm not there for a show.
I know that I'm a bitch when it comes to church. I know that my history as a church worker and it's subsequent wreckage is what contributes to this horrible attitude. I know that if I could just let some of this resentment go, I'd probably really enjoy attending worship somewhere on a regular basis, but for now? I think I'll just show up at some random place on Christmas Eve and hope that I don't run into anyone I know. Because it really is about me and God and no one else.
Peace Lutheran. They fired me when they found out I had a drinking problem. (Imagine that. Ha!) I will not set foot in there - the shame and the anger still burn brightly in my heart.
Good News Deformed. Jason's dad's church. They had a Thanksgiving worship service once where you wrote on a post-it note what you were really thankful for. The next Sunday? He read some of them aloud. Totally anonymous, but one of them was mine and I was horrified and disgusted at the same time. I never went back.
St. Michael's Parish. I love St. Michael's. In fact, if there was a place I'd go - it's there, but psycho ex- roommate goes there and running into her on Christmas Eve would ruin it for me for sure.
Celebrate. I enjoy worship there if I close my eyes and don't look at the ego maniac pastor and the woman that leads the songs. It's like going to a rock concert or something. I want to sing along, I'm not there for a show.
I know that I'm a bitch when it comes to church. I know that my history as a church worker and it's subsequent wreckage is what contributes to this horrible attitude. I know that if I could just let some of this resentment go, I'd probably really enjoy attending worship somewhere on a regular basis, but for now? I think I'll just show up at some random place on Christmas Eve and hope that I don't run into anyone I know. Because it really is about me and God and no one else.
9 comments:
Maybe you should go to a Jewish Synagogue, a Buddhist Temple or an Islamic Mosque on Christmas Even instead. Even if you can't understand the language being spoken, it'll at least be a place of prayer and peace for you...
I don't go to church. I'm no help.
I attend my Buddhist temple regularly. But at one point shortly after leaving my dna contributors house I found myself questioning where I belong. I was raised in a JW cult. And made the Sunday school teacher cry when she told me I couldn't be friends with someone who didn't go to our church... all of them very white...very exclusive.
In time after going to different churches and experiencing different things... and doing a lot of reading...I came to my temple and the moment I walked in the door I knew... I just knew that this is where I belong.
I don't suggest joining a Buddhist Temple ... just because you want to... I suggest you find one that is clear across town and keep searching until you find the one that feels right the minute you walk through the door.
Until then, I wish you well and happy searching. You know where I am if you have any questions otherwise.
I'm with Nilsa. And can I come, too, because I've always wanted to go to a synagogue or a mosque, but I don't want to go alone...
I understand your quest. We're still at the church we got married at even though it's not convenient for our current locale, lifestyle (nap time and mass schedules conflict) and such. But it fits our philosophy or so much better than the ultra-conservative or ultra-liberal (sorry, old school catholic, I have to kneel at some point) places we have found in the suburbs. We spent many months trying to find something else but decided it just wasn't worth it.
I agree with Nisla, check out someplace totally different. You might find that you like it. I once went to a Baptist church and was one of 5 caucasians in the chairs. I have never felt so WELCOMED in my life. I left there feeling like I had experienced something. It was GREAT!
You don't have to be at church for it to be about you and God and no one else.
I don't think you'll ever find a perfect church. The one we attend has a very Baptist position on modern science (and particularly evolution) which I do not like. But, the pastor focuses on how someone can improve themselves and their relationship with God (which my wife loves) and they have a great bluegrass/gospel band at the early service (which I like), so you have to take the good with the bad.
Oh, and you should feel no shame when it comes to Peace Lutheran. They are the ones that should feel ashamed. What kind of church turns its back on the sick?
The church by my house makes you stand up & introduce yourself every time you go. It drives me mad! because it's within walking distance & liberal Catholic. But when they start passing that mic I start running.
Good luck finding a place. I'll be thinking of you when I'm at Queen of Angels with the fam tomorrow.
oh i hope you found a place where you felt safe. i know about resentment and shame, i sure do. those are powerful emotions, and you said it: it's about you and god.
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