Therapy Tuesday and My Buttons

9:17 AM Edit This 14 Comments »
I did it! After nine years of weekly therapy, I graduated to every other week. I'm cured! I kid. But really? Seeing Carolyn is more of a security blanket these days. As in, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." sort of thing. So, we're breaking it. Not completely, but at least cracking it a bit to see how it holds up. And I think I'm going to be JUST FINE. October was ( WAS. See? How awesome is that?) historically the month that I would have a complete meltdown and I'm no where near that today. And I wasn't last year either. Progress, people! Serious progress.
We had an interesting conversation this morning though. I've long held the belief that I am constitutionally shy. I fear rejection and I hate conflict which are two things that can happen when you put yourself out there. I have made incredible strides in managing these things, but that doesn't mean that they are gone. In the past, my shyness manifested itself by me holing up in my closet with a bottle in pure isolation. I'm shy. Therefore, I am not able to go out and face the world. A=B. That was a long held thought that overtook any sense of confidence and managed to sink me into oblivion for many years.
Well. I'm STILL shy. But I have different tools to manage it today. Last Saturday, a bunch of my recovery friends went country dancing. I've been there before. I'm a good dancer and yet, I. Could. Not. Make. Myself. Ask. Someone. To. Dance. Even though I've done it many times in the past. So, I leaned into Miss M and said, "I want to do it, but I can't. I just can't." And she said, "I know. You will, though." And about a half hour later? I did. Because I can. I just needed some time to shore up my guns and get over myself. AND, I needed to acknoweldge outloud what was going on with me in order to give it less power over my actions. It doesn't mean I don't still feel that ick inside sometimes, but I do what I have to do in order to get out there and live life. Because that's how I WANT to live my life today. I won't let the shyness win.
But here's the kicker. People who don't know me? Or people who know me, but don't know my heart - think that I am naturally outgoing and engaging. I don't present as someone with a horrible fear of interaction. I just don't. Not today, at least. And when I tell them I'm shy or scared or in fact terrified, by some person or situation, they tend to blow me off and say, "You're not shy! What is that nonsense?" Which is not helpful. And I don't blame them for not understanding. And it's my mistake for presuming they would understand in the way that Miss M or even Dancing Queen understand. They know that when I say something like I did last Saturday night, I'm just acknowledging the fear and asking for a little quiet encouragement in order to get out there and live. My character defects may not ever go away. But the awesome thing is - they don't dictate who I am today. And that's all kinds of cool.
In other news, the buttons are falling off my leather coat and I can't for the life of me, get a needle through the dang thing to sew them back on. Suggestions?


Jules said...

Good for you for working on overcoming your shyness! I'm still working on that.

You could try an upholstery needle on your coat. Or take it to a dry cleaner that does alterations and pay them to sew them back on.

Summer said...

I'm glad you're doing so well. Oh, and I'd take it to the cleaners. You could give a spinal block with the needle used to sew leather. lol.

BrianAlt said...

Congratulations! That is wonderful.

I'm so terribly shy. People think I'm outgoing too. But, I'm so terribly shy.

I really despise it.

MilesPerHour said...

As far as the buttons go... if you're not too shy you could ask me to do it for you. Ok, bad joke.

Kristen said...

Oh I know it! People don't think I'm shy, but I am SO SCARED OF PEOPLE!

But, what I've been learning is that if you just walk up to somebody, introduce yourself, and then compliment them, they'll pretty much love you from the get go.

LiLu said...

I would dance with you any day, my love.

As for the buttons? SHOPPING.

Sparkling Red said...

*high five!* That's awesome. Progress is awesome. You are awesome.

Sewing leather is a job for a professional. I believe it requires a special type of needle. Maybe there's a shoe repair place in your area that can help you with your buttons.

G said...

I'm sort of like you.

I give the appearance of very engaging and outgoing, but feel very comfortable in making myself as inconspicious as possible in large gatherings or functions.

Congrats on moving up in the therapy world.

Jen said...

Well, yay for you! Graduating to every other week is a big deal, awesome!

On the button note, I just purchased this:
But, it hasn't arrived yet, so no idea if/how it works. I'll keep you posted.

*Akilah Sakai* said...

Great news! You go girl. Keep doing your thing because whatever it is, it's working out fine. =D

I slaughtered my leather coat trying to use a regular needle to get a button back on and strengthen a couple others. Guess I should've used my local dry cleaners.

carrster said...

Whohooo! I am similar...I am terrified by rejection, confrontation and embarrassing myself although people too call me outgoing and a 'people person.' Ha! Why am I so afraid of the other ECFE Moms then?!?!?

Regardless of my insecurities - YAY! Congrats on your progress. That rocks. I'm so happy to hear that things are going well for you. Every step forward is something to be celebrated! Good for you.

Now get out there and keep dancing! :)

SoMi's Nilsa said...

I love reading about your break-throughs, big and small. So long as you're moving forward and staying true to yourself, that's all that matters.

Dingo said...

You can take your coat to a cleaners, tailors, or any leather repair shop. They'll fix it right up.

Allie said...

Good for you! That's wonderful!