And Then the Secret Sinks Me

8:28 AM Edit This 23 Comments »
So, I spent the greater part of last night crying on the phone with Miss M. This whole baby thing. Remember when I was jealous of my brother and sister in law when they were pregnant? And how the whole thing flew out the window the minute the baby was born? Well, it's happening again. I don't think jealous is the right word. It's more like grief. Carolyn told me over and over when The Dead Guy croaked that I wasn't just grieving him, I was grieving the hopes and dreams that we had together. The children that we might have had, the places we might have lived, the picture of us sitting on the porch with shotguns in our old age...

And I understood that to the best of my ability at the time and went through the requisite grief. But when the people I love are having children and that's the one thing I always wanted in the whole wide world and I'm not getting it? Things like this go through my mind.

"What the fuck more do I have to do?"
"What's so wrong with me that I can't find someone to love?"
"I'm never going to have a baby, so pull yourself the fuck together and get over it."

And well, those things just don't make me very happy and I was doing okay until Miss M called and asked me if I had fun at the ultrasound and I just lost it. That friendly voice means that I can fall apart and it's okay. And she gets it. Because she's older (not as old as me, but older) and it's something she's always wanted, too. I just feel like this part of my life is passing me by and if I don't do something to reconcile it in my head, I don't know what's going to happen. I can't go around crying all the time over something I don't get to have in this life. But I think I'm giving up hope. And well? That takes some doing. And it's hard. Like, really hard.

23 comments:

The Pollinatrix said...

I'm so sorry. It's good that you're recognizing it as grieving, at least.

Is adoption a possibility for you? Or is it the whole package of pregnancy and a partner that is part of your longing?

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

I say you should just hit one of the parties at the college in that town of yours, get totally knocked up and then you can have your own baby.

M'kay, maybe that's not possible. But, I guess I wonder if you have to change your mindset from having your own kids to none at all ... or whether there's a less severe transition to make (having kids without a partner or adopting kids once you meet your mate).

justme said...

i seriously almost fell over, if i had been standing up, i would have, when i was reading this. this is precisely what i'm going to be posting about today. i cried when i was reading yours. the last of my friends that i have had for 20 years just had a baby yesterday. i was feeling so melancholy yesterday and couldn't shake it. then it hit me...all of my long-time friends (i'm talking 15 years or more) have kids now. i still don't knw if I want one...but it sucks right now.

Suburban Sweetheart said...

Honey, I'm so sorry.

I've sometimes said I think I will be ready to become a mother before I find love because, at the rate I'm going, love isn't coming anytime soon - but I know that sometime soonish, I'll be prepared to be a good mother.

Is this something for you? Would you ever go it alone, as it were? I don't buy the whole "kids need two parents" insistence. Kinds need love. Period. And you've got it.

Hang in there. <3

buffalodick said...

I sort of understand..we have two sons, and no grandkids..I don't know if we ever will. It would give us a little purpose to look forward to.

melissalion said...

Having children is life-changing. It's a complete loss of independence. Being a mother is the loneliest feeling I've ever had.

I don't think you should give up hope, but spend a bit more time appreciating the feeling of sitting down and blogging without listening to mommymommymommymommy. Like I am now.

Also, you're doing awesome.

[F]oxymoron said...

Ditto what Suburban Sweetheart said... and yeah, you can through in the <3 too.

BrianAlt said...

You're good, you.

saratogajean said...

Can Happy Feet Friday get here quick enough?

Jen said...

All previous comments with other options sound like viable ways to have what you want, but I totally understand where you're at right know. ALL my friends are married with kids, some are already close to finishing elementary school! And here I am with no kid to show and truly wanting one. I know there are options, but for me, it either happens in a traditional mom-dad family style or it doesn't happen at all, and so far that's not even in the far the future. *Sigh*

Ink Spiller said...

It runs so deep that want and I was fortunate enough be able to have a child when it hit me. I ended up a single mum though and my daughter has learning disabilities. Consider EVERY possibility Kate and then see where you can take action. It sounds simplistic I know but there's a possibility that the frustration will lessen a little. There are things we can control and things we can't. Swimming against the tide is tiring.

Bev said...

Hey Kate,

I'm sorry you're having such a rough moment, but it sounds like it's completely justified. I read your History and think you are a great communicator, and very witty. I hope that sense of humor can help you muddle through the bad days like these.

xoxo
bev

artemisia said...

I am so sorry.

There has to be some way to frame this other than giving up hope. You must be gaining something in this, I am sure of it. I wish I knew what. I do hope you find out.

Allie said...

Oh lady! Hugs! I know navigating those choices and figuring out what path you're going to take or how you're going to get there is one of the hardest things to do as a woman. Thinking good thoughts for you!

Rebecca said...

If you're ever in Missouri near St. Louis....you should call me because I so want to hook you up with my brother.........(Yes, I am crazy and my brother is a fat, wife beater wearing, living in his momma's basement slum-dog)

My brother doesn't have kids of his own (adopted, LONG story)and he really needs to have some kids of his own because that's how men grow up, right?

He has an ex-wife.....which is an even longer story.......Anyway, he needs someone.....and in my mind you two meet on your own and really like one another and the day you and I meet, we'll look at one another and be like "Wow, you seem familiar..." and then you'll look at the kids (cause I post lots of photos of the kids) and you'll be like do you blog?....And then we'll figure it out....

GreenCanary said...

Honey, Mr. Mystery won't have children so I say that you and me find ourselves some willin' men to get the job done and then you and me be single moms together. We can raise our babies together! Or if we want to be really strange, we can use the same man and then our kids could be siblings! And you and me can grow old together and sit on the porch with our shotguns, and you'll have to calm me down all of the time because I'll believe the volcano under Yellowstone is going to explode, and I'll do all of your laundry.

GreenCanary said...

Okay, so justme is GORGEOUS which completely undid me because if she doesn't have a kid and wants one (and I realize that you're not sure if you want one, justme) then there is NO HOPE FOR A PLAIN JANE LIKE ME. I'm so screwed. SO FREAKIN' SCREWED. I should just give my ovaries away.

Kate said...

Oh Canary. You're GORGEOUS! And so's justme. So keep your ovaries right where they are!

tattytiara said...

Oh I know all about how the biological urges for family can itch under the skin. I have every reason to believe I might start a family some day, but I still had to get to being okay with the still very real possibility that I might not before I could be okay.

I so understand.

Kelly Hogaboom said...

I can't go around crying all the time over something I don't get to have in this life. But I think I'm giving up hope. And well? That takes some doing. And it's hard. Like, really hard.

OK. But you can: you can go on crying over this. It's OK. I will never judge or think it means anything bad about you if you do. Don't let anyone tell you how or why to grieve.

Thank you for this post.

Cello Mama said...

Oh, dear Kate. I have about a dozen girlfriends right where you are now. And believe it or not, I do feel I can relate more than you might expect.

I had the partner - what incredible luck! - but for years we couldn't have the babies, either. We had everything else in place but it wasn't working for us... as it seemed almost everyone around us had babies "by accident".

I've had more days than I can count grieving the babies I was sure I'd never have. As you know, we eventually found our path. You will, too. You have to work through that sadness, but always hold on to hope. You may find a partner tomorrow. You may not, but may find a path to motherhood on your own. Trust yourself to find a path that will make you happy - one way or another.

Great big hugs to you, my friend.

legendswife said...

When I first started dating my husband (I know this isn't where I should start...but) he was 32 years old. Both his brother and sister did not get married until they were in their mid/late 30s. Thousands, no millions more, have married even later. You desire it,but you probably want someone who is going to appreciate YOU:) The baby thing will happen when God see's fit.

BrianAlt said...

Really? When God sees fit? So if it doesn't happen God didn't see fit?

Geez. Don't WE have anything to do about it?

Sorry for the rant Kate, but seriously?

And the answer to your question is YES! See my response in the comments for more info.