The Rock

9:53 PM Edit This 22 Comments »
Not okay, not okay, not okay, I'm NOT okay!


There were five men who helped me get sober. Tom, Tom, Bob, Jim and Dan. Well, Jim died in February. Now, one of the Toms is going in for open heart surgery tomorrow. Us alcoholics have not been good to our bodies. Not at all. He is a Vietnam Vet. His crusty, old gravelly voice saved me more than once from taking up a knife and slicing my wrists with it. He engineered supervised visits with my mom and dad when I was newly sober and trying so hard to navigate a relationship with them. He played cribbage with me until I couldn't think straight. Just so I could stay sober one more hour of the day.

He's sick. He's so very sick. And I can't take it. I can't. You don't understand. He saved my life. The one I was so intent on ending. He convinced me that 30 days of sobriety would change my attitude. And it did. IT DID. I'm alive today. He is no God. I know that. Everyone knows that. But he's one of my rocks. And my rocks are disappearing. I know that I'm supposed to put God in charge of my life today. But my rocks. They are so stabilizing. They KNOW me. They know what to say. They tell me what to do when The Crazy hits. They KNOW. THEY KNOW. They have seen me at my worst and they love me in spite of it.

I can hardly manage to think about it. My rock. Dispirited and under anesthesia. He can't go. He just can't. And if he does, I don't know what I'll do.

I hate this fucking taking life as it comes shit. I am not sure I'm able to do it.

My heart is breaking. I lose Jason. I lose Jim. I can't lose Tom. I can't. It's just not possible. I am not sure I'm able.

*edit* Okay, so late at night, the panic was a little overwhelming. In the morning light, I can tell you this. I will persevere in this New Life, no matter what happens. If only because he helped me start on this path. Please send loving thoughts to my friend. That's more what I want to say right now.

22 comments:

Lemmonex said...

You? You? Kate, YOU...you are so so able. I know it even if you don't.

Shania said...

He was there for you. You have to be there for him. You ARE able, and you and he both know it. So replay in your head what he said to you to get you through. and hang on.

sending you strength and peace and love

Kelly Hogaboom said...

We're here and we're reading and we witness. Our thoughts are with you and your dear friend. Let him know.

Mel said...

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.

Hoping that open heart surgery is far better than not having open heart surgery :)

Vodka Mom said...

WOW. I'll be thinking of you - and the ROCK.



and your blog? It's awesome.

MsDarkstar said...

Sending positive thoughts in your direction. My Lawyer Greenjeans has had similar surgery and lots of other medical mayhem from years of abusing his body.

Maybe you can't do it alone, but you know what? You aren't alone. The Internetz is sending you love.

Malaise Inc said...

You are focused on the wrong words. You are obsessing on "Not Okay", when you need to concentrate on "IT DID." And when you are comfortable with that, start in on "IT WILL."

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

This has to be a tough time for you, Kate. But, you know what you're forgetting? Tom found you as a limp, wet noodle. And you know what he's turned you into? A rock. Yes, you. You're a rock, too. Maybe, just maybe, for this short time, you can be his rock when he needs the support. Just long enough to get him back on his feet, so he can return the favor again. Thinking of you...

buffalodick said...

He recovered for a reason, and you recovered for a reason too- remember that!

BrianAlt said...

You, YOU, are okay!

melissalion said...

Thinking of your friend, for sure!

justme said...

thinking only good thoughts and sending them your way. you are strong and able to get through anything, if need be.

The Good Cook said...

Sending healthful thoughts out into the cosmos and into the surgeon's hands.

If he is having this surgery, it must be because he MUST have this surgery, so this is a good and positive step for him. A reaffirmation of life and a willingness to live it. Be there for him. Be the ROCK.

Jennifer said...

I am praying for him...I am. I am praying for you too...I am.

Kristen said...

You're not alone, lady. You've got all of us! How do you think he'd feel if he knew you were freaking out? I dare say he would not approve. So be strong so you can be there with a big smile when he wakes up.

Lemon Gloria said...

I'm sending positive, healing thoughts to him and to you. He'll wake up and need your support and you'll be right there for him. He will and you will.

Todd said...

Kate,
bless you and prayers for you and your friend..."A Rock" wow. what a beautiful thing to say about someone....

When I lost my cousin last year (47 years old) after his serious fight with leukemia/lymphoma the priest who spoke said some of the most tender words i've ever heard about our being connected in Christ in life or in death....???...i don't know why i'm sharing this, but it just came to mind...

positive vibes coming your way...

Meg Kathleen said...

Sending good thoughts Tom's way!

clearness said...

Lots and lots of prayers for your friend who saved your life so that you could write this blog and reach out to us...your followers.

Shelley said...

Thinking of you and Tom** (hopefully the right one) today.

**Did that make you laugh? You know Tom would want you to be happy joyous and free right now. I hope he will be ok; I know you will be.

artemisia said...

Kate - I definitely have Tom (and you) in my prayers.

In a very special way.

Jen said...

I'm sending loving thoughts. Hope Toms get out of this with flying colors. Hang in there Kate.