Therapy Tuesday

8:38 AM Edit This 16 Comments »
You know you've worked hard when you make your own therapist cry.

If you've been reading awhile, you know that each year of my sobriety, a motto of some sort makes itself abundantly clear. Last year was "Do the uncomfortable. Do the unfamiliar." I was doing a lot of things that I was terrified of, but knew if I just ponied up and did it, I'd enjoy the results. So, with my hands shaking, I took swing dance lessons. And did a little dating. It's that new found freedom that allowed me to actually join running club when it came across my radar.

This year's motto has been, "Just do the footwork." Funny, how that fits so well with running. But in all areas of my life, I have to do the footwork. I want a new job that challenges me? I have to send out resumes. I think maybe I want a relationship? Well, I have to stop giving off the, "Stay away from me you freak of nature" vibe and start being more open. I have to talk to men. Gah. (Boys still have germs, no matter how you play your cards. It's just whose germs you're willing to put up with.) But most importantly, I've done the footwork to build a strong, vibrant personality that sometimes I still don't recognize in myself.

So this morning, I told her about my race. I told her how I felt at the finish line. How I giggled my way across and then burst into tears at the end of the chute. I told her how all my friends, unasked, came to support me, no matter how weird they think my running is. I told her about the pride I heard in my dad's voice when he called to congratulate me. And I told her that I hadn't heard that for a long, long time. And it is in direct emotional proportion to the image of him that haunts me the most. The one of him sitting on my hospital bed with his head in his hands, crying. Because I told him to leave. That he had nothing I wanted as he looked at my slashed arm and said, "Why?"

So we had a moment. I still don't have the things I dreamed of for my life. It still makes me cry sometimes. But I know that even if I never do find a husband or have a child, I'll be okay. I'll find a way to thrive anyway. I have to. I can't control those kinds of things. I just have to put my best foot forward and ask The Universe for some peace. No matter what does or does not come my way.

16 comments:

TMC said...

This totally happened to me last week. I was talking about my feelings about my friend who died in June and my therapist lady started crying!

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

I have been amazed to watch your journey for the relatively short time I've *known* you ... you have really come into your own and that sort of transformation most definitely has an effect on those around you. Keep on doing what you're doing ... so that at the end of your life, you can look back and be proud of all your accomplishments, no matter what they entail!

lacochran's evil twin said...

(great big)*HUG*

lacochran's evil twin said...

And, sometimes? Boy cooties are nice.

The bipolaRNurse said...

Crazy happens and it's sometimes a good ice breaker...go meet some cute cooties

The Good Cook said...

And now you made me cry too.

Jen said...

Woman stop making me cry! It seems like every time I come here I tear up. Think about the mascara next time you write will ya? ;)

Sparkling Red said...

Your heart is so beautiful! I may have said that before, and I reserve the right to say it again.

Kate said...

Reading your blog these past few months (a year?) has been really amazing. Your journey, even in this short time, is incredible, & so is the dedication you don't even realize you have. I'm so proud of you.

Keelie said...

So healthy-inside and out! Proud for you:)

artemisia said...

I am so proud of you, Kate.

Summer said...

You're marvelous, and I love you!

Shelley said...

You really "get it" - and that's how I know you will be more than okay, my friend.

Kristen said...

Oh my god, your dad.

Killed me.

Also, YAY RACING GIRL!!!!!

melissalion said...

I wonder if these mottos come first or if the actions come first. I mean, your motto is about footwork and you started running. What if it was aim for the stars? Maybe astronomy?

It's a pretty interesting thought.

Also, I need a motto. My motto is going to be: say no more. Also, it's okay to have free time.

Lemon Gloria said...

Oh, Kate. She must be so proud of you. I'm sure everyone you know is. You're amazing.