Harvesting my Head

8:38 AM Edit This 10 Comments »
I picked all this last night in the waning light after my run. My meeting went quite well. I have an "assignment" that makes me happy and it went so quickly that I caught up with my running club on their way back. I did half a work out instead of a full one, but that's okay. Was much better with friends. I'm still really struggling with the breathing, but I suppose I have to chalk it up to the weather/pollen/fall and hope that it passes soon. Because it makes me want to quit. And I don't really want to quit. I really don't. I thought for certain that the cooler weather would be fantastic to run in, but this new problem is worse than the summer heat and humidity.

I've been feeling that everywhere I turn these days, my hopes get dashed. I know that I'm supposed to look for the good. For the opportunity. For the quiet joy. To be content with where I am today. But that is really hard to do sometimes. I mean, the assignment I got last night is something I'm very passionate about. But I'll only get to write about it. I won't get to actually DO it. Because I don't have the letters behind my name that say I'm qualified. And that sucks. I keep hanging on though. Because I have to believe that the right career path is out there for me, you know?

I never thought about a career. Ever. I always thought I'd find someone in college, fall in love, get married, have kids and be a stay at home mom. Seriously. I did. And January of my senior year at University, I woke up one morning and was like, "Crap! I'm going to have to get a job!" And well - the church was a holding tank for me. I was good at it, so I did it while I was waiting for a man to show up. And when he didn't come, I started my master's degree. That whole, "I guess I better learn how to take care of myself." thing kicked in again. And then he DID show up and I couldn't finish it and well? I'm back in the holding tank. I don't like it there. But I keep putting myself out there. And it just hasn't happened yet. I am not sure if I'm doing something wrong or if I have to be more patient.

It's getting harder and harder to stay positive about it. And now that the running has developed a glitch, it's harder to stay positive about that too. I'm frustrated, I guess. And sad. I hate that.

10 comments:

Bob said...

I know it's difficult not to see the sad. I sometimes think it is inherent in people (see the worst, prepare for it, survive, blah, blah, blah).

You enumerated in this post the things that are making you sad. Why not balance the equation - enumerate the good along with it. For every sad, list a good. Problems with breathing while running AND late for run club - you ran anyway, and felt good for the company. You cannot do the research BUT you are involved, making a contribution by writing it up. Each good denotes progress in an area where you are trying.

It's good to know where you came from and why things are the way they are, because by understanding the past and why you can then make the changes necessary to make the future better. Which you are doing.

Your posts lately have been SOOOO positive, it made me happy to see you happy. Don't let today get in the way of that. Get right back on that horse and ride into the happily ever after.

Jeff D'Antonio said...

What Bob said ^^^

I couldn't have said it better.

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

I've got to admit that I was impressed you caught up with your running club even though you knew you'd be late. I think that shows amazing dedication and excitement about something. And you'll figure out this stupid pollen thing. Maybe it's only a few days set-back. Maybe you get allergy medicine or an inhaler to help with your breathing. And maybe your body grows accustomed to the ebbs and flows of the weather. But, seriously, you're doing great and I think you have a very promising running future ahead of you!

melissalion said...

I went running this morning and I thought about you while I was torturing myself instead of sleeping in my warm bed.

That's all I want to say. You take that how you want to take it.

Okay, take it this way -- you inspired me to get up way too early to get my butt in gear so I can face the rest of the day.

Helen said...

So I just popped over here from Shelley's blog and I want to tell you that your "About Me" description made me laugh right out loud. Laughter is good for the soul, especially during the middle of a not so great work day...

Not sure if it's only your breathing that's affecting your running (I mean that is plenty!) but I wanted to say that hopefully it will get better once the leaves turn.

I'm a person who is crabby-cranky-caustic when my running goes off and if it stays off long enough, I begin to only see the bad. It's understandable but yucky to deal with.

I'm hoping that you get some clear air and a great run soon!

artemisia said...

Your garden and regular use of its bounty just knocks my socks off.

I say hang in there with the running. This may just be something you grow out of as you grow into being a stronger runner. You know?

I always wonder how people just know what their career should be an seemingly just make it happen. How does that work? I know there was struggle and dedication and decisions and whatnot, but I can't see it from the outside.

It sounds like we could both use an inside peak. Hang in there.

The Good Cook said...

Kate,

Why not try taking an over the counter allergy relief before a run? My allergies are terrible this time of year - wet leaves, mold, etc. And don't be sad at perceived failures - be glad that you can recognize short comings and have the wherewithal to overcome them!

Heads up girl! This is no time to fall apart on me. That's my job right now.

Summer said...

I'm so proud of you. Your bounty and your running.

Keep your chin up, Punkin.

kilax said...

I get stuck in sad places too. And it just takes awhile to get out of them. I do think your running will get better though! And keep working on the career thing :)

Shelley said...

I'm so impressed that you went and caught up with your running club! Even knowing that it's hard right now because of the pollen, you still did it. Very nice, Kate. And the thing about pollen is that it might be gone in the next few days, so hang in there with the running, because I have a lot of damn miles to run in the next couple of months and I want to know that you are suffering along with me! ;)