The Familiar Path

8:43 AM Edit This 8 Comments »
Okay. So The Crazy is strong within me right now. But I'm walking through it and that's all that counts, right? RIGHT?! Tell me I'm right. Gah. The tears are never far. The littlest things set my hands fluttering and my insides boiling for something. Anything. Keep trudging and I will come out the other side. I've done this enough times to know and accept that. And there's nothing inherently wrong. I know that, too.

Grief is tricky stuff. I tell people that all the time. Because it sneaks up on you when you least expect it. When you're trucking along and things are looking up and you're making strides in all areas of your life. When you're thinking that accepting death and moving on looks like a really do-able thing. When the sun is shining and everything looks new and clean and clear. And then it creeps back in and stabs your heart just when the scars had scabbed over and you're left bleeding. Again. Someone asked me once, "Do you need to re-feel the pain or can you just let it go?" And I don't have an answer to that. I used to wear my grief like armour. The heavy weight of it dragging me down but making me impenetrable. I simply could not allow anyone in. It was unfathomable to me to do that. And I've learned to take off that armour, one piece at a time. Allowing people back into my life. Letting love guide me more and more. Trusting. Accepting. Being. So, when it hits me these days, I don't pick the armour back up. Because I have learned that feeling loss so deeply is the price I pay for loving so fully. And I WILL love. My friends. My family. The munchkins. Baby Z.

But I will confess something. Part of the problem right now is that I met someone whose face I want to trace. (Click on it or you won't understand.) And not only is he unavailable, he's newly sober. So, I keep my distance and ponder what that might mean for me to want to do that with someone again. Does that mean I have it in me to love like that again? Does it? I never thought myself even capable of it. I've opened my heart to other relationships. I've allowed my heart that. But a man? Sure, I've dated off and on. And it's never gone well. Ever. But I've never had a desire to touch someone's face so intimately since Jason. And that thought kind of did me in the other day. Certainly, I will not do that with this particular man. But the thought that I might want to? Takes me down that well trodden path of grief. And I learn that there's more for me to let go of. Once again.


Anonymous said...

I like that. A face I want to trace. It's a very cool think to find someone you could stare at for hours. I mean you actually can't do that because the other person gets freaked, but still.

Helen said...

Yes! Yes! Yes! You can have that again Kate. You deserve to have that again but only better because it's sober.

Did you read the post where I shared what my sister wrote on her anniversary this year? I think it perfectly describes how grief never quite ends, it just changes form. But it's OK.

Anonymous said...

Kate, you can have that again, and you will. And it doesn't mean you have to forget J. It just means you have to understand that he loved you enough to want that for you. His death was a horrible mistake, and if you believe that the soul lives on (and I'm pretty sure you do), then you have to believe that his personal hell would be watching you suffer from his mistake over and over again.

Letting go is not the same as forgetting. Forgetting would mean giving up all that he was to you, and I know you don't want that. Letting go is just treasuring the memories of your time together, and living your life in a way that keeps him close to your heart.

artemisia said...

I agree with Jeff - letting go is NOT forgetting. It is not turning your back on the one you lost, it is not denying them your memory or loyalty.

And yes, I don't think grief ever fully leaves, but it does change.

And I have no doubt, whatsoever, that you are strong enough to live through this and with this fully.

And yes, you absolutely can love completely again. Even more completely, is my guess.

Summer said...

I love that. Tracing a face is so intimate and close, it shows love and chemistry. Both. I wanna trace someone's face now too. :) Seriously though, you will find love again. You will.

Sparkling Red said...

Sometimes the path feels like a circle, but it's actually an upward spiral.

Can do mom said...

What Jeff said.

kilax said...

You will get there! And you won't forget J. You will just create new memories. There's room for them :)