It's better, Internet. I want you to know that. May has been horrible to my soul, but I'm coming out of it. And I'm proud of me. For doing what it takes to stay in the day, in the moment, in the fight.
We went to the lake today. Because it was finally sunny and hot. There is a terrible storm brewing, but I'm trying not to think about it, because hail=loss of plants. And my garden is just now starting to sprout. I'm dirty, wind swept and sunburned. If you read me on facebook, you already know that. But it feels good to tell you here. The sun does wonders for my soul.
School was nothing like I thought it would be. I learned more about ethics by simply being in the class than by anything I actually learned. I now know what drives me, what I'm most passionate about, and what my priorities are when it comes to working in the field of chemical dependency. And I'm even more determined that I should be right where I am right now in this world because of it.
Memorial Day? I wanted very much to go to the cemetery this weekend. I thought about it off and on for the past four days. But I decided not to. He is not there. He has never been there. He was in an urn in his father's closet for several years and now that his father is gone? I have no idea where he is. They may have scattered his ashes according to his wishes or not. I will never know. But I have the feeling I WOULD know if they did. So, I'm pretty sure he's stuck in another closet somewhere else. And no matter how I feel about that, I don't get to make that decision. So I trudge on. Yes. I trudge on. Because I am going to grasp every little bit of joy out of what life I have left because I wasted so many years of happiness.