Memorial Day?

4:56 PM Edit This 10 Comments »
It's better, Internet. I want you to know that. May has been horrible to my soul, but I'm coming out of it. And I'm proud of me. For doing what it takes to stay in the day, in the moment, in the fight.

We went to the lake today. Because it was finally sunny and hot. There is a terrible storm brewing, but I'm trying not to think about it, because hail=loss of plants. And my garden is just now starting to sprout. I'm dirty, wind swept and sunburned. If you read me on facebook, you already know that. But it feels good to tell you here. The sun does wonders for my soul.

School was nothing like I thought it would be. I learned more about ethics by simply being in the class than by anything I actually learned. I now know what drives me, what I'm most passionate about, and what my priorities are when it comes to working in the field of chemical dependency. And I'm even more determined that I should be right where I am right now in this world because of it.

Memorial Day? I wanted very much to go to the cemetery this weekend. I thought about it off and on for the past four days. But I decided not to. He is not there. He has never been there. He was in an urn in his father's closet for several years and now that his father is gone? I have no idea where he is. They may have scattered his ashes according to his wishes or not. I will never know. But I have the feeling I WOULD know if they did. So, I'm pretty sure he's stuck in another closet somewhere else. And no matter how I feel about that, I don't get to make that decision. So I trudge on. Yes. I trudge on. Because I am going to grasp every little bit of joy out of what life I have left because I wasted so many years of happiness.

10 comments:

melissalion said...

Sun is so good for the brain. It makes everything seem a bit more possible.

Ink Spiller said...

Happiness is tricky business Kate but surely it can't be impossibly to obtain.

And, you're right about May. It's safe to say it was a let down and we could have done with a fast forward through it.

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

Memorial Day is the unofficial start to summer. And I know how happy you are in the summer. It's a good milestone for you - good times are ahead!

Shelley said...

Here's hoping for a sunny, happy summer for you, my friend.

KT said...

Thank goodness we only have half a day left of May- good riddance! June will be a better month!

Were your plants harmed by the storm?

Jen said...

I'm glad you are doing better Kate. I frequently think about you and miss you when I don't read you. We are here, rooting for you, just so you know.

RichardC said...

I am sorry your road to knowing where you want to be was so messed up for you, but I have a suspicion it has made you a better person in the long haul and you will no doubt pay forward so many of your blessings!

Lemon Gloria said...

The world loves you, Kate, even if it doesn't always feel like it.

I do hope his ashes were scattered as he wished. And I hope and believe that June is going to be a much kinder month.

lacochran's evil twin said...

I understand why people used to worship the sun. Some of us still do.

The bipolaRNurse said...

Kate, I hope you're feeling better.