Happy Feet Friday

10:10 PM Edit This 5 Comments »
A totally overexposed picture of my toes. I haven't written in so long, I'm not even sure where to start. The peas grow at night. I've told you that before, right? The snow peas. They grow overnight. They are the only ones that seem to have a nocturnal focus. I go to bed, after picking the ripe beans, snow peas, cucumbers and beets. And when I go out in the morning, the peas are sparkling. They have grown new shoots. They didn't do well this wet spring, but they are producing. Slowly, but surely.

I grow at night. I grow in those dark places that don't feel good. I have not been well. Since February, if I'm going to be honest. And if anything, I'm honest. Five months of insecurity, questioning, sleeplessness and pain. My friendships are changing. My job has changed. My focus has changed. I am swimming in uncharted waters when it comes to emotional health. But I'm okay. I know this to be true. I may not like where I've landed at 4 1/2 years of sobriety, but I know enough to keep doing the deal. To keep pursuing this New Life of mine. I'm not giving it up. And I'm not giving in to complacency, poor decision making or letting people walk all over me. I know enough today that I need help in setting boundaries and re-defining what sobriety looks like for me.

I'm not unhappy. Please, do not think that. I have always said that no matter what happens in sobriety, I may not be happy, but I always have a flicker of joy in my heart. And it beams. It really does.

So. The peas. They grow at night. And I'm growing in this valley. I will come out with produce. I know that. I just haven't picked it yet.

5 comments:

Jen said...

You surely are growing! I'm really happy for you. Sometimes we just have to go through the tough parts to get to the good ones. Hang in there!

Jeff D'Antonio said...

Just keep growing. You're going to be okay.

Malaise Inc said...

You may not like where you are right now after 4 1/2 years of sobriety, but after 4 1/2 years you are still sober. And that is a major accomplishment.

melissalion said...

I'm with Malaise!! Also, look! Toes.

MsDarkstar said...

I heard on the "Did You Know..." part of the morning radio show I listen to this morning that kittens sleep so much because growth hormone in kittens is released ONLY WHEN THEY ARE SLEEPING...

So, I totally understand that as you are "sleeping" (metaphorically) you are growing. I think that I need to do some sleeping rather than fitful napping. I have some growing I need to take care of.

And, I'll chime in with the others who have said 4.5 years sober is an accomplishment. One step of the Happy Feet at a time, K8.