New Life

And then? I GOT TO SEE THE BABY! When he was first born and I saw his pictures, I thought, "Aw! He's so cute!" but when I took him in my arms? It's like my heart exploded with this deep seated love that I didn't know would ever exist again in my life after the Dead Guy. My soul loves this baby. Is that possible?

I'm back at work after being gone for 10 days. And guess what? All my girlfriends are at the QUARRY. WITHOUT ME. There is no justice in the world.

 

 

And yes, I am indeed, trying to kiss the mercow.

A little farther down the road we saw this sign. It's proof that I've been living in South Dakota too long that I thought it was kind of cool. Or funny. My sister says it's pathetic. And then the rest of the way home, we discussed why it's cool to have a big ASS truck, but it's definitely NOT cool to actually HAVE a big ass. It no makie sense to me.

On Thursdays, I go to the club right after work to "steal coffee." I don't stay for a meeting, I just go there and visit with people for awhile and then take off when the meeting starts. Everyone knows it and they all laughingly ask me if this is "drive by" night. I used to go to meetings every night after work when I was too afraid not to. Now I go about three or four times a week, and Thursdays are indeed a drive by. It fulfills a need that I have not yet identified. And I'm not so certain it begs to be pinned down.

There is one particular man that I adore, whose been sober about as long as me. In other words, we're both still pretty new. He looks just like my little brother. And the "new" person he is, reminds me of my brother as well. Plus, he and his wife are having a baby shortly after my brother's baby is to arrive. Suffice it to say, I treat him like a...wait for it... - brother. And it's fun to interact with him knowing that my little brother is too far away for my liking. I love my little brother. He was the first one of us to break away from our enmeshed family and announce to my parents that he was done. It was a knock down drag out between he and my father in the living room one night when he was home from college. And that was that. He freed himself from their expectations. My sister was next. She just up and moved halfway across the country in order to escape. Me? As with most things in my life, I just kept going back for more, hoping it would get better and berating myself when it didn't. Frozen with the inability to cause any sort of conflict and lacking the skills to live through it and come out on the other side with any sort of stability. Whenever I was in trouble - i.e. going insane, and my mom and dad started in on me, my little brother would stand as a buffer between us. Knowing that I didn't have the capability of standing up for myself. He has always wanted me to learn how to do it, and I finally am in recovery. Little bits at a time. But he was always my champion when I needed him to be.

Sioux Falls Brother reminded me of that last night. How much I did/still do shy away from any sort of conflict and how much it upsets me. He runs a very prestigious company and manages alot of people. And he's total Type A - willing to do what it takes to get what he wants when he wants it and doesn't really give a whole lot of thought to how people perceive him. He'll slash and burn and claw his way to the top if it will suit his pruposes. In his recovery, he's learned that there are times and places to use those skills and that his personal relationships probably aren't the best ones to practice that on. We're all works in progress. He was talking last night about how he does not deserve how much his wife loves him for all he put her through and continues to put her through. I simply stated that I didn't think I could live with him - that I'd spend most of my time cringing in the corner, waiting for him to lose his temper. And he said, "Oh Kate. I would OWN you. I would SO own you. You'd be a trembling wreck of a mess if you ever tried to deal with me." And I said, "I know. People like you scare me." And he responded, "Well. I know if my wife gets teary-eyed, that I probably need to back off." And I'm all like, "What? You make her CRY?" There's been plenty of people in my life that have made me cry, but the strident, loud and subtly manipulative ones? I'm always halfway on edge, waiting to get in trouble for having done or said something that appeared to displease them and I spend my time thinking more about what I've done wrong, rather than enjoying what I've done right.

I know exactly where that kind of emotional and intellectual response stems  from. It's all fairly learned behavior. But I'm not quite sure how to dismantle it. Every once in awhile, I stand up for myself and even though it feels really liberating, I spend hours and hours running the tape back through my head, wondering if I should have just not said anything or if I should have just kept playing along. But playing along makes me just as miserable. So, I take those hours that I spend beating myself up and balance them against how I feel when I allow someone to continue to control me with their words and actions, and the standing up for myself wins almost every time. But it's still horribly uncomfortable and the self doubt gets crippling. And in my world, it means more throwing up, but that's just the way it is. I keep hoping that with practice, it will get easier.

The most interesting thing about this whole journey into recovery is that even though I'm learning more than ever and trying out new thoughts and behaviors? I feel even MORE fragile than I did before. I don't quite understand that. Maybe it's the newness of acting in a different way that makes my on-edge-ness go on code red terrorist alert. Maybe it's because I still don't trust that I'm doing what's right by voicing how I feel, even (and ESPECIALLY) if I'm uncertain of the response. Maybe it's because I do indeed, still allow people into my life that would rather walk away from my feelings or displeasure in how I am being treated than work to make a change. It's like I reach back and invite people in who remind me of old behaviors and I try to use new behaviors to manage those relationships. Maybe THAT'S it. Anyway, my body may not be as fragile as it once was, my intellect is as strong as ever. But my emotional state? Still piecing it back together. And sometimes I try to fit one shard of it into the space left by another shard and that means wrenching pain. But I'm really hoping that someday the pieces will fit together in a shattered, but repaired mosaic. It may not ever be rock solid, but someday, I would like it to be in one piece.

I have been packing for vacation. My clothes go in a laundry basket, not in a suitcase. Crap goes in the pink bag. Shoes? Just get thrown in the back seat. The notecards? That's how I reduce the anxiety. Once there's a list, I am calm. Oh. So. Very. Calm.

I have lost 15 lbs. in the last four months and have kept it off.

I have been sober for 2 years, 7 months and 5 days. And some days, I still wish I could drink.

I have nothing in my refrigerator right now except for a pitcher full of water, a small bottle of Gatorade, half a bag of shredded cheese and a mostly-empty tub of Country Crock. I have not cooked anything in three weeks because right now? The thought of going to the grocery store just wears me out.

I started packing for my vacation yesterday and so far, I have 10 pairs of pants, all the underwear and bras I own, a fleece jacket and a wool sweater, one t-shirt and three pairs of socks in my bag. I think I need more shirts.

I can wash my clothes, dry them and fold them, but I am completely unmotivated to put them away. I live out of laundry baskets.

One of the guys at swing dance lessons tonight had on horrid cologne and even though I have taken a shower, I can still smell it. I don't want him to touch me ever again. That will not happen. He always comes.I'm pretty sure this graphic sums up how I feel about the world on any given day.

I have not thrown up in the morning since a week ago Monday.

I only sleep through the night if I take massive amounts of medication or have kangaroo care. For me, naked on naked full body contact does the same thing as sleeping pills. I would like to market that somehow.

I hate rhubarb sauce.

And mushrooms.

It's a texture thing.

That is all. I'm waiting for the South Dakota Public Health Bulletin. It should come any day now. I finished the July issue of the Journal of the American Medical Association today. I am a lay person with too much curiosity. My curiosity will kill me someday. Of that I am certain.